Sincerely, your darling Shame

My dearest friend,

How are you doing? Last I saw you, you made some comments about being discouraged, run-down, and ready to give up. Well, that's unfortunate, because really, your troubles are pretty insignificant compared to others I hear from. I don't want to give offense, but let's be honest, you are so needy! When we had lunch together a few weeks ago, you mentioned that you've been bringing all your problems to God and discussing them with him too. Why are you making such a big deal out of everything? If you just didn't take things so seriously, you'd be a lot less clingy.

Aren't you glad to have a friend like me that you can count on? Most other people would have given up since you are always putting others down and saying that you don't care what they think of you (in some ridiculous attempt to be independent, I guess?). I know that secretly you can't live without others thinking you're intelligent, hard-working and have uncomplicated relationships. But life is like that, and you just have to make a choice to either push others away, or be super demanding of attention. If you can't decide on one or the other, just try to balance them out.

You asked me to help you figure out who you are...I guess you want to know how people perceive you, what your place in this world is, and what it is that you are really good at. I'm not even going to bother answering those questions, though. I know that you've asked a lot of people before, and no matter how flattering their answers are, you're never satisfied! Why can't you just decide who you are and go with it? I'll admit that I'm getting tired of your inconsistency.

So your grades aren't doing too well? I could have guessed that. You don't exactly have self-discipline, hon. Stop being so sensitive, though! Every time I tell you something you're doing wrong, you curl into a little ball and just annoy me more because it's all about you and how sorry you are, and how mad you are at yourself for messing up again. Just get over yourself. I know you said that you don't even have as much schoolwork as your other friends, but your grades are worse...stop introspecting for once. I'm saying this as a friend, because I care and want you to be the best you can.

This isn't the first time we've been through all of this, and considering that this seems to be a pattern in your life, I get a sick feeling in my gut when I think about it. What are you even doing wrong? Sometimes I can't even figure out where all this is coming from. Maybe it's just your personality (which I don't understand either, since you are an obnoxious idiot at times, and the stoic “silent type” at others). You silly thing!

I'm glad you were able to open up your heart to me the other day. Haha, I guess you could say that when I hear all your problems, I don't feel so bad about myself ;) Write me back soon!

Sincerely, your darling Shame

...to be continued.

Love, fear and sex

     I see this frightful inability for men and women to relate to each other in non-sexualized ways. We wonder why sex trafficking exists, but sadly, in each of us there is a capacity for such atrocity (read “Ordinary Men”!). This is not a fanciful representation of how distorted we are; Do you not see that even “healthy” relationships between ordinary people tend toward objectification, sexual and otherwise? Shake off your blindness and listen to yourself and those around you! “He is a wonderful person, my ideal in most ways really...it's just that I'm not attracted to him.” “She is amazing, but I just don't think we are romantically compatible.” Die to that notion, my friends! Love is not a pleasure trip, nor marriage a “holy” sexual lifestyle. Love is intentionally choosing someone to take responsibility for, to die to self for, to become holy with as you both change, to gently let into the deep parts of you in order to rejoice in what is good and strip away what is debilitating and frightening. So, will you sacrifice love on the altar of sex, or will you sacrifice self on the altar of love? Pick sex and you will bitterly end with neither, pick love and you will delightfully receive both. Do not be fooled. Sexual incompatibility is the invention of narcissistic, distorted man.

     The question remains, of course, how do you actually go about choosing someone? We all want it to be love at first sight like the stories we hear, and I think that happens with some regularity, but most do not see it, for the all the reasons above. Oh, and plenty of people are sexually attracted at first sight, but track and see how well those couples do in the long-run (anyone getting visions of King David?). Another point of what not to base your decision on: Even in the cases of very striking stories, God isn't going to whisper the name of your beloved in the night, any more than he put stone giants with mad fighting skills blocking the paths to all but one college. Does God direct us? Most certainly! But God is not so short-sighted as to tell us the action we should take, instead he leads us in the maturity that we need to make choices about not only who to marry, but also how to care for the person once we do have them. God is holistic in his leading. And all God's hipsters said “Amen!”

     Okay, back to practicality then, because I think that there are bad matches. I recently had a wise man tell me that marriage is always about intimacy, and sometimes about romance. Following off of that, choose someone that you can be intimate with even when you are not interacting romantically (although that is certainly a form of intimacy, it is one that comes and goes). Are you able to think in the same ways so that the other person can really know and understand you? Are you able to show the other person the fullness of your personality – humor, intellect, social attitude, intentional spirituality, life passions? Can you relate to each other in moments of laughter, grief, rejoicing, sobermindness, silliness, passion or creativity?

     It is not that you must have every list perfectly checked off, but to give a tangible idea of what intimacy could look like. We each have different things that make us feel intimate with someone else, and it may not always match up with the ideal list we have in our head. Moreover, no one is a “perfect match.” Do not get involved because you need someone, or because you feel that they have become so much a part of your life that you cannot do without them. And conversely, to win someone over in such a fashion is not love but manipulation. Even in friendship you must be extraordinarily careful not to hold on for your own satisfaction, a task far more easily said than recognized as a pattern in your own life.

     And that is the worst of it – it is easy enough to understand love and the evils of manipulation and selfishness, but it takes a great deal of humility to recognize and address such relationships with repentance and restoration. If you claim that you cannot learn to love, if you cast yourself as understanding everything or failing at everything, do not deceive yourself into thinking it is anything but pride. Pride is the root of fear, because it sets Self up as the reference point. What is the “cure” for this pride and fear? It is not trying another relationship, or working through things on your own, trying to fix your problems. God must be the reference point, because it is only perfect love that casts out fear, and no human can offer perfect love.

~ ~ ~

     Yes, the reactionary impulses of hate, fear, and despair really are defenseless against the storms of this life. And yet, this selfless love really might be stronger than death. Perhaps, the kingdom of the heavens really is at hand, ready to give, ready to love. And with this love as my song I will overcome. In surrender to divine love I will find my strength. "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love another." 

~ Jon Foreman

     Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:9-10

    For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. Galatians 5:5-6

     People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it. ~ Edith Schaeffer

     You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

     Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. ~C.S. Lewis

     Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

     This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:7-18

“I had started to see Donna as someone I could die for, rather than someone I could use for my own fulfillment.”
~ Jason Shaw, http://ancientlyric.blogspot.com/2013/12/ross.html