We do not know what is Wrong, because we do not know what is Right.

From a reading done in preparation for a weekend retreat:

"She longs for spiritual hygiene itself - and not just as a consolation prize when she cannot be rich and envied instead. She longs for other human beings: she wants to love them and to be loved by them. She hungers for social justice. She longs for nature, for its beauties and graces, for the sheer particularity of a squirrel with a nut. As we might expect, her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she longs to long again.

"She is a person of character consistency, a person who rings true wherever you tap her. She keeps promises. She weeps with those who weep and, perhaps more impressively, rejoices with those who rejoice. She does all these things in ways that express her own personality and culture but also a general "mind of Christ" that is cross-culturally unmistakable.

"Her motives include faith - a quiet confidence in God and in the mercies of God that radiate from the self-giving work of Jesus Christ. She knows God is good; she also feels assured that God is good to her. Her faith secures her against the ceaseless oscillations of pride and despair familiar to every human being who has taken refuge in the cave of her own being and tried there to bury all her insecurities under a mound of achievements. When her faith slips, she retains faith enough to believe that the Spirit of God, whose presence is her renewable resource, will one day secure her faith again."

~ Plantinga, Not the Way It's Supposed to Be; a breviary of sin.

The Silence

     Love is not about personal fulfillment, but about giving your life for another, dying to self for another. This I know, but I have recently come to a greater appreciation and understanding of God's love for us. Strangely enough, I have rarely doubted God's kindness even in the midst of dark times. But I did not understand until now how it is that God lets us suffer not because he is powerless or wants us to “choose to love him” or even that he redeems all things, but because he loves us. He sees what we cannot, and allows us to feel what we would never wish upon ourselves, because it will bring about some necessary change in our pattern of thinking. We must not mistake his love, for it must pierce him to see how we suffer, and yet fill him with joyous hope for our coming maturity and understanding. May God give us all strength to emulate him in our own love. The amazing thing is that God does this not because he thinks less of us – no, no! He loves in this fashion because he delights in our personhood and in the individual talents which he longs to bring forth in us (all the more for his unconditional love that gives us dignity whether or not we are using those talents).

     How my heart is called out when I see that God's love is selfless, not just in giving up his son, but in that he is willing for us to despise him for our circumstances, just so that our ultimate good is achieved. I have never dwelt on God's love being selfless, not just sacrificial. Our purpose in life is to bring him glory, how can he be selfless? But he is!

     The Bible declares, “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” What I have always found surprising about God is that even though he loves us unconditionally, he requires one thing for us to know him, and that is to accept his love, via Christ's death and resurrection. He is not forceful or manipulative, but lets us go in silence, all the while giving us every proof of his love. My friends, accept the love of God. Yes, he puts difficult situations in our life, but it is so that we can be truly loved!

     I know that I frequently reference the words and music of Jon Foreman, but it is with good reason. His words are no less stirring than his music, which in my opinion, is a high standard indeed. He sings "the song that's inside of my soul" over and over again, and while not his direct original intention, this song is a wonderful human reflection of God's love. Jon Foreman's commentary following the lyrics remind me also that God is not out to consume us for his own benefit, rather to show that love is not about personal fulfillment, but about giving your life for another, dying to self for another. God is the ultimate fulfillment that will never be far from us, who is waiting for us to turn to him, and this weighty silence will be shattered in his grand symphony when we choose to no longer be alone.

Enough To Let Me Go

Oh
I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home
alone
All I know
I still got mountains to climb
on my own
on my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
to let me follow through
to let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?
Back from the dead of winter
back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
you’re so beautiful, tonight

back from the dead we went through
back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
you look beautiful tonight
but every seed dies before it grows

breathe it in
and let it go
every breath you take is not your to own
it's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

     I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried. 

     In our barcode media, love is often portrayed as consumption. As consumers in a commercial driven culture we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. "Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair." But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It's a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? "I can't live without you"- "I would die if you ever left me"- These are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption.

~ Jon Foreman

Four Letter Word

     Love, by definition, cannot say “I love you, because...” unless it is followed by “you are a creation of God.” Any other statement would be internally inconsistent. Love for a person is solely unconditional, and cannot be retracted or extended because of that person's weaknesses, or much the harder, because of his strengths. For of course we love kindness and mercy and gentleness, but that is love for those characteristics, not love for the person himself. Again, love, by definition, is also a statement of action; we love someone by actively pursuing what is best for him. Thus, our actions ought to be the lover, and not what is beloved; expressions of love, not reasons for love; desire to love, not desire for love.

     In this selfless state, love is free of expectation, but full of hope. Love gives without boundaries, for it has no quantifier that can be attached to limit its depth, nor qualifier to dampen its spirits. Love acts and speaks without shame or fear of rejection, not by virtue of its strength, but by virtue of its transcendence. Love is not discrete, it cannot be counted or measured or spoken of in degrees. So when our love is weak in action, we do not love less, provided that our actions are still truly unconditional and disinterested. How great the bond which springs from this love, for the beloved ceases to strive and long for affection by struggling to appear worthy of love; instead, the beloved is known deeply and still fears not.

     I do not feel worthy of love, and yet I recognize that I have been declared worthy twice, first by the natural birth which signifies that God made me in His image, and then by the spiritual birth, attainable through the love action of Christ's death, which restored me once again to my Creator. The marvelous trait of love is that it fills the beloved with itself, and the beloved is humbly brought to love in the very same fashion, pouring back into the lover, but also into persons that are as discouraged and empty as the beloved once was.

Now, let it be known, I am loved and filled with love, for God is Love.

work work work work work work work work work work work work work work

     Work is a surprisingly divisive subject, and most views are incredibly destructive, including the common “Christian” dichotomy. How pitiful that we short-list God into the truly

valuable callings, which we have named “Full-time Christian Ministry.” There is no such differentiation! If there is, then at all costs avoid being a pastor or missionary, since people are driven away from the gospel by their ignorance of beauty, lack of transparency, disregard for those with other vocations, and the sad truth that many PKs and MKs fall into sterility and diffidence, if not worse. No, all vocations are a calling, and are inherently gospel-centered if conducted in view of our complete restoration from the fall.

     Fine, then. All vocations are equally important. But doesn't that merely form an excuse not to share the gospel outright?!

Three points come to mind:

1. We talk about sharing the gospel, which then leads people to be saved from future separation from Christ, and for them in turn to do the same (Everyone, reach one!). So the gospel is reduced to a chain letter instead of LIFE, the ability to be fully human again, to delight in God and His creation because of the death of Christ.
2. People do not arbitrarily come to the gospel. We speak and write and proclaim the “God sized hole in everyone's heart,” but it doesn't mean that when people hear the good news they simply say “Yes! This is what I have been looking for all my life!” Why should the death of a man 2000 years ago – simply carrying the promise of a future spent with a God we do not know or care about – matter to anyone? Our modern experience fools us into thinking that “knowing” can be separated from “knowing experientially.” If we want people to know God it must be made manifest to them through our lives, the natural continuation of Jesus' manifestation.
3. I have found that those who are the most likely to speak of the importance of explicitly “sharing the Gospel,” are the very same whose lives I cry over. Moreover, they stress the gospel by saying “I seem to be ashamed of Christ, I ought to share the gospel more.” Is your initiative for the gospel because you feel guilty and ashamed of your lack of desire to serve God?

     There is so much more to be said about particular callings! Each person can interact with his or her vocation so that individual talents and passions are brought to bear. Life is so much richer and fuller when you see the extraordinary opportunities we are given for helping people understand the entirety of the gospel, at work, in your home, alongside your spouse, or with your kids, to name a few!

~ ~ ~

     Other people tolerate their job as a necessary nuisance, a way of earning a living, and a tedious consequence of the Fall. [. . .] This second attitude to work, which regards it as either meaningless in itself, or at best a necessary means to some quite different end (e.g., facilitating leisure pursuits), is the same in principle as the view held by some Christians that work is a useful sphere of witness. To be sure, the Christian should be a witness to Christ in every situation, but it is very inadequate to see the workplace as having no Christian significance in itself, but only as a well-stocked lake to fish in (pp. 16).

~ John Stott, Our Social and Sexual Revolution. 

     First, work is intended for the fulfillment of the worker. That is, as important part of our self-fulfillment as human beings is to be found, according to God's purpose, in our work. We can affirm this with confidence in view of the very first instruction which God addressed to man and woman: 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it' (Genesis 1:28). Here are three successive commands, each leading logically to the next. They could not subdue the earth without first filling it, and they could not fill it without first reproducing themselves. This original and composite commandment expresses, then, a basic aspect of our vocation as human beings. Our dominion over nature is due to our likeness to God. Or, to express the same truth in different terms, our potential for creative work is an essential part of our Godlikeness. Our Creator made us creative creatures (pp. 17).

~ John Stott, Our Social and Sexual Revolution. 

     Human beings are very unbalanced and prone to go off on tangents. In every area of life - with too great emphasis on one thing, leaving out another important thing altogether. None of us will ever be perfectly balanced in our spiritual lives, our intellectual lives, our emotional lives, our family lives, in relationships with other human beings, or in our business lives. BUT WE ARE CHALLENGED TO TRY, WITH THE HELP OF GOD. We are meant to live in the scriptures.
~ Edith Schaeffer, What is a Family

     It is true that all men are created in the image of God, but Christians are supposed to be conscious of that fact, and being conscious of it should recognize the importance of living artistically, aesthetically, and creatively, as creative creatures of the Creator. If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry, and be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been created for us.

~ Edith Schaeffer, The Hidden Art of Homemaking 

Life is a box of regrets, you never know what you'll get

     My life used to be consumed with regret, a cycle of blindness and disillusionment. Then winter break of 2012 came about and on the most ordinary of days I was speaking with my brother Ryan about the purpose of prayer, when much of what my last post was about came to bear, that each of us is set in a particular moment in history, that prayer is effective, how God optimizes the course of time and events to draw us to him. I cannot describe how my life flashed before me, and the retroactive immediacy of my new acknowledgment of God's redemption. Were regret to have a manifest form, in that moment, I should have seen it disintegrate on the floor. Many of my own mistakes since that time have caused me to have feelings of regret, but never have they again made me lose sight of God's loving-kindness and mastery over my situation.

     However, I recently have come to something new in the way of regret. I am ashamed of some of my own actions, incredulous of my attempts to put things to rights, and frustrated with my blind foolishness that has caused me to hurt others despite trying to seek after God's will. I have repented of much, and still regret nothing, in the sense that I see how God is working in all things. Yet the question which arises now is, with what spirit do I approach the consequences of my actions and selfishness? What do we do with situations that seem irrecoverable, especially when we are not sure we want to recover them? I hold two truths in my mind. One is that sinful trends in culture teach us to give up so readily when life seems unpleasant. The other is that sinful trends in culture teach us to hold on to that which is harmful as long as it gives us any satisfaction.

     But two other truths also intrude into my tainted mind. Acting in love is always the right course of action, which sometimes means holding on, sometimes letting go, and sometimes pursuing hotly that which did not seem possible before. The absolute confidence which we should have in God and His redemption should give us a clean slate, as we forgive others as we (finally acknowledge) have also been forgiven.

     I believe that God has made it possible for us to find life again, that He Himself repairs our mistakes, if we are willing to let go of our pride and accept His plan of restoration, so freely given at extraordinary expense to Himself.

~ ~ ~

     As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Eph 2:1-10

Equally Skilled

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
Nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands are equally skilled
At doing evil, equally skilled
At bribing the judges, equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies arrive
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands are equally skilled
At doing evil, equally skilled
At bribing the judges, equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of their hands
Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
Though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and the justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
Are equally skilled
At ruining evil, equally skilled
At judging the judges, equally skilled
Administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands
Are equally skilled
At showing me mercy, equally skilled
At loving the loveless, equally skilled
Administering justice
Both of His hands
Both of His hands

~ Jon Foreman

Value in resting, or resting in value?

     Life is full of curiosities, adventures, heartbreaks, surprises. But somehow in the end, life can settle into a exhausting battle of day after day. I get tired of fighting against my harmful tendencies. I have ideals and dreams for the future, projects that I want to complete, characteristics that I desire to cultivate – yet nothing seems to really change, and that's why I give in.

     Yet I'm sitting here now in my living room, surrounded by a couple nephews, three napping dogs, three dear visiting sister-friends, my brother and his wife. It has been an exhausting two weeks of traveling, and at the moment I am not capable of exerting my will to change anything, and vacillating between wondering if I can ever live with purpose and surrender to God, and feeling that despite my weak nature God is remarkably kind and delights in me. This is the sort of rest I'm looking for.

     I work hard at doing what God delights in, whether it be schoolwork, relationships with friends and family or trying to create an environment of grace and beauty for those I love. But the hard work is not what makes me weary or disappointed in myself and despairing of lasting change. The lack of desire to serve God has an inverse relationship with being utterly confident that I have been placed exactly in time and history with my particular “selfness,” life experiences, vocation and relationship to others. I do not have to strive for my position with others or with God.

     Is God not transcendent? Is He not gentle? Is He not omnipotent? Is He not merciful? Is He not wise? It is only my own pride that sets up my actions as the determining factor of how much God delights in me, or how valuable I am to other people.

A great sermon to listen to is Tim Keller's “Blessed Self-Forgetfulness.”

~ ~ ~

Unless the Lord builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Psalm 127:1-2

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Crazy Mirrors

     

     I've always thought that I knew what it meant to be made in the image of God, but my construct was shaken slightly during a discussion in my Readings in Classic Christian Spirituality class this past semester. One of my classmates kept pressing us to find a definition that can be applied to unborn babies and those with mental deficiencies. It was more difficult than I anticipated and I never reached an answer that I was satisfied with.

     Usually the definition that I use is that we, unlike the rest of creation, have the capacity to be creative, to plan and execute, to communicate at a high level, and to make choices, etc. But my classmate pressed me to apply those to an unborn baby. I argued that it is the capacity that delineates us from animals, but that seemed an insufficient explanation to both of us.

     Then over Christmas, my brother Jack (I believe it was him, I had a plethora of conversations with my siblings, so I can't be sure :P) and I began talking about mirroring the image of God. Comparing ourselves to a mirror is nothing new, of course. But what got me was that the reason we can reflect God is because we are spiritual beings, unlike the animals. In a way, it is about capacity. Yet we are separated from exercising this ability fully, like one of those crazy mirrors that skews the image drastically. . .the image is still there, but isn't accurate. The beauty of the gospel is that Christ once again made it possible for us to reflect God undistorted.

I later included in my customary written prayers:

The idea of the mirror as the image of God really changed my definition. That because we are the only spiritual beings here on earth, we are the only things capable of reflecting you. How marvelous!

     And it really is marvelous, isn't it? The implications are dazzlingly pervasive in the way we view each other and view ourselves. For instance, it is what allows me to acknowledge my strengths and those of others without usurping God of his glory – indeed, exactly the opposite!

~ ~ ~

     We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Cor 3:13-18

Love, fear and sex

     I see this frightful inability for men and women to relate to each other in non-sexualized ways. We wonder why sex trafficking exists, but sadly, in each of us there is a capacity for such atrocity (read “Ordinary Men”!). This is not a fanciful representation of how distorted we are; Do you not see that even “healthy” relationships between ordinary people tend toward objectification, sexual and otherwise? Shake off your blindness and listen to yourself and those around you! “He is a wonderful person, my ideal in most ways really...it's just that I'm not attracted to him.” “She is amazing, but I just don't think we are romantically compatible.” Die to that notion, my friends! Love is not a pleasure trip, nor marriage a “holy” sexual lifestyle. Love is intentionally choosing someone to take responsibility for, to die to self for, to become holy with as you both change, to gently let into the deep parts of you in order to rejoice in what is good and strip away what is debilitating and frightening. So, will you sacrifice love on the altar of sex, or will you sacrifice self on the altar of love? Pick sex and you will bitterly end with neither, pick love and you will delightfully receive both. Do not be fooled. Sexual incompatibility is the invention of narcissistic, distorted man.

     The question remains, of course, how do you actually go about choosing someone? We all want it to be love at first sight like the stories we hear, and I think that happens with some regularity, but most do not see it, for the all the reasons above. Oh, and plenty of people are sexually attracted at first sight, but track and see how well those couples do in the long-run (anyone getting visions of King David?). Another point of what not to base your decision on: Even in the cases of very striking stories, God isn't going to whisper the name of your beloved in the night, any more than he put stone giants with mad fighting skills blocking the paths to all but one college. Does God direct us? Most certainly! But God is not so short-sighted as to tell us the action we should take, instead he leads us in the maturity that we need to make choices about not only who to marry, but also how to care for the person once we do have them. God is holistic in his leading. And all God's hipsters said “Amen!”

     Okay, back to practicality then, because I think that there are bad matches. I recently had a wise man tell me that marriage is always about intimacy, and sometimes about romance. Following off of that, choose someone that you can be intimate with even when you are not interacting romantically (although that is certainly a form of intimacy, it is one that comes and goes). Are you able to think in the same ways so that the other person can really know and understand you? Are you able to show the other person the fullness of your personality – humor, intellect, social attitude, intentional spirituality, life passions? Can you relate to each other in moments of laughter, grief, rejoicing, sobermindness, silliness, passion or creativity?

     It is not that you must have every list perfectly checked off, but to give a tangible idea of what intimacy could look like. We each have different things that make us feel intimate with someone else, and it may not always match up with the ideal list we have in our head. Moreover, no one is a “perfect match.” Do not get involved because you need someone, or because you feel that they have become so much a part of your life that you cannot do without them. And conversely, to win someone over in such a fashion is not love but manipulation. Even in friendship you must be extraordinarily careful not to hold on for your own satisfaction, a task far more easily said than recognized as a pattern in your own life.

     And that is the worst of it – it is easy enough to understand love and the evils of manipulation and selfishness, but it takes a great deal of humility to recognize and address such relationships with repentance and restoration. If you claim that you cannot learn to love, if you cast yourself as understanding everything or failing at everything, do not deceive yourself into thinking it is anything but pride. Pride is the root of fear, because it sets Self up as the reference point. What is the “cure” for this pride and fear? It is not trying another relationship, or working through things on your own, trying to fix your problems. God must be the reference point, because it is only perfect love that casts out fear, and no human can offer perfect love.

~ ~ ~

     Yes, the reactionary impulses of hate, fear, and despair really are defenseless against the storms of this life. And yet, this selfless love really might be stronger than death. Perhaps, the kingdom of the heavens really is at hand, ready to give, ready to love. And with this love as my song I will overcome. In surrender to divine love I will find my strength. "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love another." 

~ Jon Foreman

     Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:9-10

    For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. Galatians 5:5-6

     People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it. ~ Edith Schaeffer

     You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

     Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. ~C.S. Lewis

     Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

     This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:7-18

“I had started to see Donna as someone I could die for, rather than someone I could use for my own fulfillment.”
~ Jason Shaw, http://ancientlyric.blogspot.com/2013/12/ross.html

Another Death

     Have you faced death in its despicable, tattered glory? A shake of the head, a sympathetic shock. What you don't see is that death can only take pleasure in its anticipation, for the moment itself is so fleeting as to be completely disregarded. Death was the last piercing enemy of Christ, but he submitted death unto death, and it was left only as a shadow without sting for those who accept that it is consummately vanquished by the living God. I can speak of a physical death, of course. I have tasted the salty bitterness that preludes it and known the blessed rejoicing after death, when I see that unmarred life has finally begun. When my mother died I felt my loss far more keenly than my father's, but now looking back, what took my heart so long to understand was not her death, but the preceding eight years of real suffering that she had. Eight years of my own selfishness to regret. Eight years of never hearing a harsh word from her lips to later strike my foolish heart with bitter weeping. Eight years of clinging to my stale dreams, and alternately, either blind to the coming death or blinded by the fear of death. The first made my life shallow and fruitless, the second was so debilitating that I could not live at all.

     Think of it not as a stretching metaphor when I speak of the intimate parallels with spiritual death. I say spiritual death, but that too is physically expressed, not to mention emotionally and mentally. There are two deaths. The first is what we usually refer to as the spiritual death, in that we are separated from God, but there is another death of spiritual nature, as we ought to die to the sinful man so that we can live in Christ. But dying to the sinful man does not happen all at once, and the process of dying is terrible, as we cling tightly to what gives us pleasure and empty satisfaction. There is no room in the sinful man for God, only prideful self at the center. The dying man fights desperately for life; the man that has died is freed to finally live.

     Is this not what we want? To be free of the overwhelming desire to sin, to not have our internal self contradicting itself at every turn? I do not think that death comes all at once, but that we die to self every day. Christians speak of sacrifice, but I think it has unintentionally become a euphemism. Sacrifice means death, a terrible and bloody death at that. I remember when my brother Jack came back from a trip to Brazil and showed me a video of a young bull being beaten on the head until it fell unconscious long enough for the head to be hacked off with a machete. I was eleven at the time, but a gorge rose within me and my eyes frantically evaded the screen. Sacrifice means death.

     To live for Christ is to sacrifice our selfish desires at every choice and decision, and to no longer live for ourselves. Because of Christ, death – and here is the odd part – loses it potency, for once it occurs, it no longer has power over us. You know how when you are tempted, the desire to sin grows stronger and stronger, increasingly painful as what you know is right goes against wild desire. But if you make the choice to die to self in that moment, oh the glorious, glorious peace that comes in the same instant! It is the resurrection of our justified and sanctified self as God designed us to be – full of vision, creativity, wisdom and strength. We spend years clinging to our stale dreams, and alternately, either blind to the coming death or blinded by the fear of dying to our desires, as the proverbial young man that cries out to God “Make me chaste, but not yet!” The first makes our life shallow and fruitless, the second is so debilitating that we can not live at all.

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     Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Col 3:5-10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Cor 5:17

     Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. John 12:24-26

     Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. Col 2:20-23

Resurrect Me

It takes a long time to kill a man
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
And go off and get him some peace

I want to die a lot quicker than that
If it's my only way out
I've been counting up the cost
Getting up on that cross
Wanna know what this is all about

Father time
Steals our days
Like a thief
There's no Price
That I wouldn't pay
To get some relief
I've become
The empty shell
Of a man I like so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me

I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn't seem to help
Oh, she's got a pretty face with a wedding lace
But I'm still waking up with myself

I know what it means to choke it down
Driving 'til your legs get weak
I know what it's like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street

Father time
Steals our days
Like a thief
There's no Price
That I haven't paid
To get some relief
I've become
The shell of a man
I can't begin to even understand
Have I forgotten who I am?
Come on and resurrect me
Resurrect me

~ Jon Foreman