Sincerely, your darling Shame

My dearest friend,

How are you doing? Last I saw you, you made some comments about being discouraged, run-down, and ready to give up. Well, that's unfortunate, because really, your troubles are pretty insignificant compared to others I hear from. I don't want to give offense, but let's be honest, you are so needy! When we had lunch together a few weeks ago, you mentioned that you've been bringing all your problems to God and discussing them with him too. Why are you making such a big deal out of everything? If you just didn't take things so seriously, you'd be a lot less clingy.

Aren't you glad to have a friend like me that you can count on? Most other people would have given up since you are always putting others down and saying that you don't care what they think of you (in some ridiculous attempt to be independent, I guess?). I know that secretly you can't live without others thinking you're intelligent, hard-working and have uncomplicated relationships. But life is like that, and you just have to make a choice to either push others away, or be super demanding of attention. If you can't decide on one or the other, just try to balance them out.

You asked me to help you figure out who you are...I guess you want to know how people perceive you, what your place in this world is, and what it is that you are really good at. I'm not even going to bother answering those questions, though. I know that you've asked a lot of people before, and no matter how flattering their answers are, you're never satisfied! Why can't you just decide who you are and go with it? I'll admit that I'm getting tired of your inconsistency.

So your grades aren't doing too well? I could have guessed that. You don't exactly have self-discipline, hon. Stop being so sensitive, though! Every time I tell you something you're doing wrong, you curl into a little ball and just annoy me more because it's all about you and how sorry you are, and how mad you are at yourself for messing up again. Just get over yourself. I know you said that you don't even have as much schoolwork as your other friends, but your grades are worse...stop introspecting for once. I'm saying this as a friend, because I care and want you to be the best you can.

This isn't the first time we've been through all of this, and considering that this seems to be a pattern in your life, I get a sick feeling in my gut when I think about it. What are you even doing wrong? Sometimes I can't even figure out where all this is coming from. Maybe it's just your personality (which I don't understand either, since you are an obnoxious idiot at times, and the stoic “silent type” at others). You silly thing!

I'm glad you were able to open up your heart to me the other day. Haha, I guess you could say that when I hear all your problems, I don't feel so bad about myself ;) Write me back soon!

Sincerely, your darling Shame

...to be continued.

Splendor

Our culture is obsessed with finding “the right person,” and in Christian circles we are taught to not be “unequally yoked,” but rather to wait for a Godly person to marry. But the main concern of single young adults (or singles of any age) should not be to find a Godly person, but to be a Godly person. Readiness for marriage is not about knowing another person completely, but about earnestly humbling yourself by submitting to God's view of sin in marriage, marriage in love, and love in sin. We should know what unconditional love really means, but we should also accept that we cannot offer it on our own. Truly, it is only through the indescribable grace of God that we are able to love regardless of the good and bad aspects of someone's character and actions.

I think that we should marry someone only under deep consideration, but God did not give us the ability to foresee the future. Most of marriage will be compromised of issues that we didn't not expect, life and marriage changing circumstances that we are not equipped to handle, and problems we could not have ever anticipated. Just as we cannot deal with our own sin in our own strength, we cannot cultivate a God-glorifying marriage (which is the union of two very sinful people) without recognizing that no amount of our own effort and preparation will get us there. Thus, our understanding of what sin is, and how we deal with it, directly affects our marriage.

Love, by it's very nature, is a joyful commitment to one person that never falters, even in extreme situations such as the loss of mental capabilities, or paralysis. When we love the soul, the eternal being that God created, then we can truly delight in the personality and talents of the one we love, because it is no longer the justification of our love, but the splendor.

We do not know what is Wrong, because we do not know what is Right.

From a reading done in preparation for a weekend retreat:

"She longs for spiritual hygiene itself - and not just as a consolation prize when she cannot be rich and envied instead. She longs for other human beings: she wants to love them and to be loved by them. She hungers for social justice. She longs for nature, for its beauties and graces, for the sheer particularity of a squirrel with a nut. As we might expect, her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she longs to long again.

"She is a person of character consistency, a person who rings true wherever you tap her. She keeps promises. She weeps with those who weep and, perhaps more impressively, rejoices with those who rejoice. She does all these things in ways that express her own personality and culture but also a general "mind of Christ" that is cross-culturally unmistakable.

"Her motives include faith - a quiet confidence in God and in the mercies of God that radiate from the self-giving work of Jesus Christ. She knows God is good; she also feels assured that God is good to her. Her faith secures her against the ceaseless oscillations of pride and despair familiar to every human being who has taken refuge in the cave of her own being and tried there to bury all her insecurities under a mound of achievements. When her faith slips, she retains faith enough to believe that the Spirit of God, whose presence is her renewable resource, will one day secure her faith again."

~ Plantinga, Not the Way It's Supposed to Be; a breviary of sin.

The Silence

     Love is not about personal fulfillment, but about giving your life for another, dying to self for another. This I know, but I have recently come to a greater appreciation and understanding of God's love for us. Strangely enough, I have rarely doubted God's kindness even in the midst of dark times. But I did not understand until now how it is that God lets us suffer not because he is powerless or wants us to “choose to love him” or even that he redeems all things, but because he loves us. He sees what we cannot, and allows us to feel what we would never wish upon ourselves, because it will bring about some necessary change in our pattern of thinking. We must not mistake his love, for it must pierce him to see how we suffer, and yet fill him with joyous hope for our coming maturity and understanding. May God give us all strength to emulate him in our own love. The amazing thing is that God does this not because he thinks less of us – no, no! He loves in this fashion because he delights in our personhood and in the individual talents which he longs to bring forth in us (all the more for his unconditional love that gives us dignity whether or not we are using those talents).

     How my heart is called out when I see that God's love is selfless, not just in giving up his son, but in that he is willing for us to despise him for our circumstances, just so that our ultimate good is achieved. I have never dwelt on God's love being selfless, not just sacrificial. Our purpose in life is to bring him glory, how can he be selfless? But he is!

     The Bible declares, “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” What I have always found surprising about God is that even though he loves us unconditionally, he requires one thing for us to know him, and that is to accept his love, via Christ's death and resurrection. He is not forceful or manipulative, but lets us go in silence, all the while giving us every proof of his love. My friends, accept the love of God. Yes, he puts difficult situations in our life, but it is so that we can be truly loved!

     I know that I frequently reference the words and music of Jon Foreman, but it is with good reason. His words are no less stirring than his music, which in my opinion, is a high standard indeed. He sings "the song that's inside of my soul" over and over again, and while not his direct original intention, this song is a wonderful human reflection of God's love. Jon Foreman's commentary following the lyrics remind me also that God is not out to consume us for his own benefit, rather to show that love is not about personal fulfillment, but about giving your life for another, dying to self for another. God is the ultimate fulfillment that will never be far from us, who is waiting for us to turn to him, and this weighty silence will be shattered in his grand symphony when we choose to no longer be alone.

Enough To Let Me Go

Oh
I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home
alone
All I know
I still got mountains to climb
on my own
on my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
to let me follow through
to let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?
Back from the dead of winter
back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
you’re so beautiful, tonight

back from the dead we went through
back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
you look beautiful tonight
but every seed dies before it grows

breathe it in
and let it go
every breath you take is not your to own
it's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

     I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried. 

     In our barcode media, love is often portrayed as consumption. As consumers in a commercial driven culture we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. "Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair." But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It's a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? "I can't live without you"- "I would die if you ever left me"- These are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption.

~ Jon Foreman

work work work work work work work work work work work work work work

     Work is a surprisingly divisive subject, and most views are incredibly destructive, including the common “Christian” dichotomy. How pitiful that we short-list God into the truly

valuable callings, which we have named “Full-time Christian Ministry.” There is no such differentiation! If there is, then at all costs avoid being a pastor or missionary, since people are driven away from the gospel by their ignorance of beauty, lack of transparency, disregard for those with other vocations, and the sad truth that many PKs and MKs fall into sterility and diffidence, if not worse. No, all vocations are a calling, and are inherently gospel-centered if conducted in view of our complete restoration from the fall.

     Fine, then. All vocations are equally important. But doesn't that merely form an excuse not to share the gospel outright?!

Three points come to mind:

1. We talk about sharing the gospel, which then leads people to be saved from future separation from Christ, and for them in turn to do the same (Everyone, reach one!). So the gospel is reduced to a chain letter instead of LIFE, the ability to be fully human again, to delight in God and His creation because of the death of Christ.
2. People do not arbitrarily come to the gospel. We speak and write and proclaim the “God sized hole in everyone's heart,” but it doesn't mean that when people hear the good news they simply say “Yes! This is what I have been looking for all my life!” Why should the death of a man 2000 years ago – simply carrying the promise of a future spent with a God we do not know or care about – matter to anyone? Our modern experience fools us into thinking that “knowing” can be separated from “knowing experientially.” If we want people to know God it must be made manifest to them through our lives, the natural continuation of Jesus' manifestation.
3. I have found that those who are the most likely to speak of the importance of explicitly “sharing the Gospel,” are the very same whose lives I cry over. Moreover, they stress the gospel by saying “I seem to be ashamed of Christ, I ought to share the gospel more.” Is your initiative for the gospel because you feel guilty and ashamed of your lack of desire to serve God?

     There is so much more to be said about particular callings! Each person can interact with his or her vocation so that individual talents and passions are brought to bear. Life is so much richer and fuller when you see the extraordinary opportunities we are given for helping people understand the entirety of the gospel, at work, in your home, alongside your spouse, or with your kids, to name a few!

~ ~ ~

     Other people tolerate their job as a necessary nuisance, a way of earning a living, and a tedious consequence of the Fall. [. . .] This second attitude to work, which regards it as either meaningless in itself, or at best a necessary means to some quite different end (e.g., facilitating leisure pursuits), is the same in principle as the view held by some Christians that work is a useful sphere of witness. To be sure, the Christian should be a witness to Christ in every situation, but it is very inadequate to see the workplace as having no Christian significance in itself, but only as a well-stocked lake to fish in (pp. 16).

~ John Stott, Our Social and Sexual Revolution. 

     First, work is intended for the fulfillment of the worker. That is, as important part of our self-fulfillment as human beings is to be found, according to God's purpose, in our work. We can affirm this with confidence in view of the very first instruction which God addressed to man and woman: 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it' (Genesis 1:28). Here are three successive commands, each leading logically to the next. They could not subdue the earth without first filling it, and they could not fill it without first reproducing themselves. This original and composite commandment expresses, then, a basic aspect of our vocation as human beings. Our dominion over nature is due to our likeness to God. Or, to express the same truth in different terms, our potential for creative work is an essential part of our Godlikeness. Our Creator made us creative creatures (pp. 17).

~ John Stott, Our Social and Sexual Revolution. 

     Human beings are very unbalanced and prone to go off on tangents. In every area of life - with too great emphasis on one thing, leaving out another important thing altogether. None of us will ever be perfectly balanced in our spiritual lives, our intellectual lives, our emotional lives, our family lives, in relationships with other human beings, or in our business lives. BUT WE ARE CHALLENGED TO TRY, WITH THE HELP OF GOD. We are meant to live in the scriptures.
~ Edith Schaeffer, What is a Family

     It is true that all men are created in the image of God, but Christians are supposed to be conscious of that fact, and being conscious of it should recognize the importance of living artistically, aesthetically, and creatively, as creative creatures of the Creator. If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry, and be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been created for us.

~ Edith Schaeffer, The Hidden Art of Homemaking 

Love, fear and sex

     I see this frightful inability for men and women to relate to each other in non-sexualized ways. We wonder why sex trafficking exists, but sadly, in each of us there is a capacity for such atrocity (read “Ordinary Men”!). This is not a fanciful representation of how distorted we are; Do you not see that even “healthy” relationships between ordinary people tend toward objectification, sexual and otherwise? Shake off your blindness and listen to yourself and those around you! “He is a wonderful person, my ideal in most ways really...it's just that I'm not attracted to him.” “She is amazing, but I just don't think we are romantically compatible.” Die to that notion, my friends! Love is not a pleasure trip, nor marriage a “holy” sexual lifestyle. Love is intentionally choosing someone to take responsibility for, to die to self for, to become holy with as you both change, to gently let into the deep parts of you in order to rejoice in what is good and strip away what is debilitating and frightening. So, will you sacrifice love on the altar of sex, or will you sacrifice self on the altar of love? Pick sex and you will bitterly end with neither, pick love and you will delightfully receive both. Do not be fooled. Sexual incompatibility is the invention of narcissistic, distorted man.

     The question remains, of course, how do you actually go about choosing someone? We all want it to be love at first sight like the stories we hear, and I think that happens with some regularity, but most do not see it, for the all the reasons above. Oh, and plenty of people are sexually attracted at first sight, but track and see how well those couples do in the long-run (anyone getting visions of King David?). Another point of what not to base your decision on: Even in the cases of very striking stories, God isn't going to whisper the name of your beloved in the night, any more than he put stone giants with mad fighting skills blocking the paths to all but one college. Does God direct us? Most certainly! But God is not so short-sighted as to tell us the action we should take, instead he leads us in the maturity that we need to make choices about not only who to marry, but also how to care for the person once we do have them. God is holistic in his leading. And all God's hipsters said “Amen!”

     Okay, back to practicality then, because I think that there are bad matches. I recently had a wise man tell me that marriage is always about intimacy, and sometimes about romance. Following off of that, choose someone that you can be intimate with even when you are not interacting romantically (although that is certainly a form of intimacy, it is one that comes and goes). Are you able to think in the same ways so that the other person can really know and understand you? Are you able to show the other person the fullness of your personality – humor, intellect, social attitude, intentional spirituality, life passions? Can you relate to each other in moments of laughter, grief, rejoicing, sobermindness, silliness, passion or creativity?

     It is not that you must have every list perfectly checked off, but to give a tangible idea of what intimacy could look like. We each have different things that make us feel intimate with someone else, and it may not always match up with the ideal list we have in our head. Moreover, no one is a “perfect match.” Do not get involved because you need someone, or because you feel that they have become so much a part of your life that you cannot do without them. And conversely, to win someone over in such a fashion is not love but manipulation. Even in friendship you must be extraordinarily careful not to hold on for your own satisfaction, a task far more easily said than recognized as a pattern in your own life.

     And that is the worst of it – it is easy enough to understand love and the evils of manipulation and selfishness, but it takes a great deal of humility to recognize and address such relationships with repentance and restoration. If you claim that you cannot learn to love, if you cast yourself as understanding everything or failing at everything, do not deceive yourself into thinking it is anything but pride. Pride is the root of fear, because it sets Self up as the reference point. What is the “cure” for this pride and fear? It is not trying another relationship, or working through things on your own, trying to fix your problems. God must be the reference point, because it is only perfect love that casts out fear, and no human can offer perfect love.

~ ~ ~

     Yes, the reactionary impulses of hate, fear, and despair really are defenseless against the storms of this life. And yet, this selfless love really might be stronger than death. Perhaps, the kingdom of the heavens really is at hand, ready to give, ready to love. And with this love as my song I will overcome. In surrender to divine love I will find my strength. "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love another." 

~ Jon Foreman

     Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:9-10

    For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. Galatians 5:5-6

     People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it. ~ Edith Schaeffer

     You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

     Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. ~C.S. Lewis

     Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

     This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:7-18

“I had started to see Donna as someone I could die for, rather than someone I could use for my own fulfillment.”
~ Jason Shaw, http://ancientlyric.blogspot.com/2013/12/ross.html