Devotions of an Orphan in Need of the Father

The parent questions always get me.

“Oh, so do your parents still live in Tennessee?”

“What does your dad do?”

“You like cooking! Do you ever cook with your mom at Thanksgiving?

Rather than feeling an emotional reminder in those moments, I am simply up against a choice. Do I skim over the issue in some clever sidestep, perhaps subtly insert “he was a pastor,” or take the boldest questions in hand by dropping the quiet line “both my parents are deceased” and continuing my thought before the other person can uncomfortably insert an “I’m sorry”?

Each choice feels awkward. Do I walk a path of evasion - in the process, losing a piece of identity - or do I drop a bomb into casual conversation?

Evasion is the hardest route in many ways, because I have to wipe my entire history aside. A childhood story might lead to a question about the present-day wherebeings of my mother. The triumph of a college graduation inevitably leads to the statement “your parents must be so proud!” Then, I also wonder, does my lack of mention of my parents lead some to wonder if I was close to them at all?

The obvious solution might be to simply tell those you interact with often the truth. And I do. But the barrier still exists, because instead of ignorance, I get sad looks when I mention either of them. Is my life tainted forever by the confusion, embarrassment, and discomfort of others regarding my whole life up to present moment?

There a good many kind-hearted people who seem to think I need parenting. I actually have a lot of wonderful older siblings that give me solid advice and a husband that takes care of me and guides me. He and I are our own family now, and I don’t feel the need to make up for lost years of childhood.

The real need is identity. I want people to know how incredible both my parents were, because it has shaped my personhood so much. Of course, as a married woman, I am now also given identity through my husband, from a new last name to the fact that we like to play disc golf together. I am actively shaped and identified by and through him - and this is a great satisfaction of my life, and a source of endless comfort in this weary world.

Still, I come back to this sometimes desperate plea for identity. My plea for an “origin story.”

My flesh-and-blood parents will always be important to me, but my longing goes beyond that. It goes back to the need for unshakeable history, identity and belongingness.

I know I can only find this in the Father - real answers to how I ended up here, my sense of personhood, and my familial history. The only problem is, to be honest, I don’t know my Father as well as I need to. I need greater knowledge of him, and more relational closeness and trust.

As I heard in a sermon today, we are all spiritual orphans without adoption into the family of God.

So as one former orphan to another, I invite you to join my study of the Father as I carefully read through the gospel of John, discovering the relationship and identity that God freely gives us in His merciful goodness.

Note: I hope to post a short devotional exposition on a few verses of John each week, so keep an eye out for new posts if you are interested.

Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday to fantastic dates with my favorite Ginger.

Throwback to watching soccer matches, to sunny moments, to contentment even on sick days, and to endearing times together in the cafeteria.

Throwback to dressing up super fancy and going to arrestingly beautiful concerts together.

Throwback to becoming a true Vols fan out in the chilly weather.

Throwback to being goofy ALL the time.

Throwback to a fabulous fall with hilarious pumpkins and much happiness.

Throwback to my first of many New Years with my favorite man.

Throwback to this amazing man pledging his life to me.

Throwback to exquisite happiness with my new fiance.

Fast forward to being old and grey with my beloved.

Thanks for viewing!

Bloodthirsty for Justice

Well, my friends, here I am again. It's been a crazy few months, what with finishing up a semester of school, helping marry off my best friend and roommate Megan Noel Hoover, nee Collins, and moving to a new city for the summer and starting my work/internship.

Strange. I've learned over the years that God brings times of intense spiritual growth, and times that are wintery and seemingly pointless and deadening. Before the uproar at Bryan began, every day I woke to a new understanding of and love for God. But along with many other students, I was shaken by the events that transpired, and while it was also a good reminder of the “death to self” lesson I had pondered earlier in the semester, it was not a pleasant time. Added to that mental constraint was the knowledge of becoming an RA this next year, and the increase in wisdom and discernment I'd need to guide 40ish girls (along with my absolutely wonderful co-RA, Kristin Hall), as well as be an example of forgiveness and patience to everyone else on campus.

Yet there is no doubt, there cannot be, that God has been so good to me during all of this. I've always been one to fight for justice, and I believe God often calls us to take up that battle fiercely at times (I think of William Wilberforce, particularly; his story has always been very convicting and inspiring to me). But also realizing that in the end, God is the only one who can bring justice. It not simply a matter of “letting God be the avenger,” as if it's a privilege we bestow on him. No indeed!

Let me repeat: God is the only one who can bring justice.

Perhaps it gets lost in the shuffle of extremes, but God's justice is ultimately for the sake of redemption and healing. And yet justice is blood-thirsty; quenchable only by the blood of Christ. Read through Isaiah in one sitting if that is lost on you. 

Our justice also varies with God's in that God is just to all. The aggressor and the victim, the broken and the proud, the complacent and the combative. God's justice applies to all, and so His love is extended to all. Also, the preceding categories are never so clear-cut, and often, neither alternative is without fault. Only God searches the innermost being of a man. Only God knows what will bring complete redemption.

There are so many areas in my life that need God's justice to be brought. Right now I'm waiting, praying, and seeking to clothe myself as Paul describes in Eph 6:10-20, to be ready to do anything at the word of God.

~ ~ ~

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”

Where Lieth Peace?

He said, "I will forget the dying faces; 

The empty places—
They shall be filled again;
O voices mourning deep within me, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir my spirit to flame;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit; I am defeated;
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings; why will ye not cease?"
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace.

~Amy Carmichael

*Many thanks to my friend Ashley Bieger for originally sharing this on facebook.

Unnamed

Knowing; bright; kind. Past; present; future. Brown; green; blue. Under; at; over. Hungry; filled; abundant. Familiar; ideal; new. Back and back; back and forth; forth and forth.

Triads have been running through my head.

The heart of intimacy

My last post on shame was a bit of collaboration of different struggles that I have observed friends and others going through. I hope to post the follow-up “reply” letter soon, but after this week, I decided to write about something personal first.

I don't desire relationship (whether romantic or otherwise) because I want to fulfill my needs surrounding security, loneliness, self-discipline, spiritual maturity, spiritual status, direction and goals in life, or who I am. I desire relationship because I have intellect, emotion, wisdom and a love for adventure that I want to share, and because I see in someone else intellect, emotion, wisdom and a love for adventure that I want to learn from and partake in together.

Have you ever noticed that people often only stop to engage in real conversation when something is wrong with you? People are often only interested when there is a challenge to be overcome. So, in the end, does the challenge or the actual person take precedence?

I get frustrated with both guys and girls that fall “in love” (what a desecration of the word love!) because the other person is “hard to get.” Love isn't a game. Fault me for being too wholehearted, but when someone offers love willingly and freely, don't scorn it...the real excitement and fervor has just begun.

But I understand. If all you think of in a relationship is the romance or vulnerability, then once you have mastered it, the fun is over. But relationships are so much more than that!

Relationship is partnership: Men and women were not created to get married for sex, for mere companionship, or even for starting a family. No! They were made to go together because they had something to accomplish through marriage, a task of caring for the world together, of getting married not just because they loved each other, but also because they loved the people around them.

Marriage is ultimately public in its purpose – and listen why! I went to a spoken word/guitar event last night, and on the way home, some girls had a conversation that went like this:

“I love to draw, but wish that I was talented at spoken word.”

“But you are so good at drawing!”

“I know, but I can't really share it with people, unless it's a museum or something.”

“Oh, so you just want people to know how awesome you are?!”

“No, it's just that art seems to mean something more when it's shared, when you can bless others with it.”

Is it not the same with marriage (or friendship)? It loses sweetness when it is not focused around the deepest desire to work alongside one another as a display of art and harmony, to change this world and the next.

Relationship is intimacy: The saddest reality is that it is often easier to love a stranger than a close friend, easier to communicate with a love interest than a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think fear holds us back a lot in this regard, because we don't take risks when we have something to lose.

But if we fear losing intimacy, it's already lost.

Relationship is entrepreneurship: It's more than just getting to know the other person. The act of speaking does more than define – it creates; the naming of a relationship does more than identify – it alters; love does more than explore – it invents.

Love should be like standing on the precipice of a mountain, with the wind in your face, thrilled and enlivened by the thought of reaching the distant ridge with footsteps that have never fallen because only you can take them, in ways that not even dreams have known.

Relationship is convicting: When you meet someone that has entered into God far more than yourself, that seems more alive to the world than you, that loves more and more deeply, it is heartstoppingly convicting. There is nothing more humbling than to accept when someone truly loves you.

To be amazed, blessed, and convicted by relationship with a person is to love and be loved.

Sincerely, your darling Shame

My dearest friend,

How are you doing? Last I saw you, you made some comments about being discouraged, run-down, and ready to give up. Well, that's unfortunate, because really, your troubles are pretty insignificant compared to others I hear from. I don't want to give offense, but let's be honest, you are so needy! When we had lunch together a few weeks ago, you mentioned that you've been bringing all your problems to God and discussing them with him too. Why are you making such a big deal out of everything? If you just didn't take things so seriously, you'd be a lot less clingy.

Aren't you glad to have a friend like me that you can count on? Most other people would have given up since you are always putting others down and saying that you don't care what they think of you (in some ridiculous attempt to be independent, I guess?). I know that secretly you can't live without others thinking you're intelligent, hard-working and have uncomplicated relationships. But life is like that, and you just have to make a choice to either push others away, or be super demanding of attention. If you can't decide on one or the other, just try to balance them out.

You asked me to help you figure out who you are...I guess you want to know how people perceive you, what your place in this world is, and what it is that you are really good at. I'm not even going to bother answering those questions, though. I know that you've asked a lot of people before, and no matter how flattering their answers are, you're never satisfied! Why can't you just decide who you are and go with it? I'll admit that I'm getting tired of your inconsistency.

So your grades aren't doing too well? I could have guessed that. You don't exactly have self-discipline, hon. Stop being so sensitive, though! Every time I tell you something you're doing wrong, you curl into a little ball and just annoy me more because it's all about you and how sorry you are, and how mad you are at yourself for messing up again. Just get over yourself. I know you said that you don't even have as much schoolwork as your other friends, but your grades are worse...stop introspecting for once. I'm saying this as a friend, because I care and want you to be the best you can.

This isn't the first time we've been through all of this, and considering that this seems to be a pattern in your life, I get a sick feeling in my gut when I think about it. What are you even doing wrong? Sometimes I can't even figure out where all this is coming from. Maybe it's just your personality (which I don't understand either, since you are an obnoxious idiot at times, and the stoic “silent type” at others). You silly thing!

I'm glad you were able to open up your heart to me the other day. Haha, I guess you could say that when I hear all your problems, I don't feel so bad about myself ;) Write me back soon!

Sincerely, your darling Shame

...to be continued.