The heart of intimacy

My last post on shame was a bit of collaboration of different struggles that I have observed friends and others going through. I hope to post the follow-up “reply” letter soon, but after this week, I decided to write about something personal first.

I don't desire relationship (whether romantic or otherwise) because I want to fulfill my needs surrounding security, loneliness, self-discipline, spiritual maturity, spiritual status, direction and goals in life, or who I am. I desire relationship because I have intellect, emotion, wisdom and a love for adventure that I want to share, and because I see in someone else intellect, emotion, wisdom and a love for adventure that I want to learn from and partake in together.

Have you ever noticed that people often only stop to engage in real conversation when something is wrong with you? People are often only interested when there is a challenge to be overcome. So, in the end, does the challenge or the actual person take precedence?

I get frustrated with both guys and girls that fall “in love” (what a desecration of the word love!) because the other person is “hard to get.” Love isn't a game. Fault me for being too wholehearted, but when someone offers love willingly and freely, don't scorn it...the real excitement and fervor has just begun.

But I understand. If all you think of in a relationship is the romance or vulnerability, then once you have mastered it, the fun is over. But relationships are so much more than that!

Relationship is partnership: Men and women were not created to get married for sex, for mere companionship, or even for starting a family. No! They were made to go together because they had something to accomplish through marriage, a task of caring for the world together, of getting married not just because they loved each other, but also because they loved the people around them.

Marriage is ultimately public in its purpose – and listen why! I went to a spoken word/guitar event last night, and on the way home, some girls had a conversation that went like this:

“I love to draw, but wish that I was talented at spoken word.”

“But you are so good at drawing!”

“I know, but I can't really share it with people, unless it's a museum or something.”

“Oh, so you just want people to know how awesome you are?!”

“No, it's just that art seems to mean something more when it's shared, when you can bless others with it.”

Is it not the same with marriage (or friendship)? It loses sweetness when it is not focused around the deepest desire to work alongside one another as a display of art and harmony, to change this world and the next.

Relationship is intimacy: The saddest reality is that it is often easier to love a stranger than a close friend, easier to communicate with a love interest than a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think fear holds us back a lot in this regard, because we don't take risks when we have something to lose.

But if we fear losing intimacy, it's already lost.

Relationship is entrepreneurship: It's more than just getting to know the other person. The act of speaking does more than define – it creates; the naming of a relationship does more than identify – it alters; love does more than explore – it invents.

Love should be like standing on the precipice of a mountain, with the wind in your face, thrilled and enlivened by the thought of reaching the distant ridge with footsteps that have never fallen because only you can take them, in ways that not even dreams have known.

Relationship is convicting: When you meet someone that has entered into God far more than yourself, that seems more alive to the world than you, that loves more and more deeply, it is heartstoppingly convicting. There is nothing more humbling than to accept when someone truly loves you.

To be amazed, blessed, and convicted by relationship with a person is to love and be loved.

Sincerely, your darling Shame

My dearest friend,

How are you doing? Last I saw you, you made some comments about being discouraged, run-down, and ready to give up. Well, that's unfortunate, because really, your troubles are pretty insignificant compared to others I hear from. I don't want to give offense, but let's be honest, you are so needy! When we had lunch together a few weeks ago, you mentioned that you've been bringing all your problems to God and discussing them with him too. Why are you making such a big deal out of everything? If you just didn't take things so seriously, you'd be a lot less clingy.

Aren't you glad to have a friend like me that you can count on? Most other people would have given up since you are always putting others down and saying that you don't care what they think of you (in some ridiculous attempt to be independent, I guess?). I know that secretly you can't live without others thinking you're intelligent, hard-working and have uncomplicated relationships. But life is like that, and you just have to make a choice to either push others away, or be super demanding of attention. If you can't decide on one or the other, just try to balance them out.

You asked me to help you figure out who you are...I guess you want to know how people perceive you, what your place in this world is, and what it is that you are really good at. I'm not even going to bother answering those questions, though. I know that you've asked a lot of people before, and no matter how flattering their answers are, you're never satisfied! Why can't you just decide who you are and go with it? I'll admit that I'm getting tired of your inconsistency.

So your grades aren't doing too well? I could have guessed that. You don't exactly have self-discipline, hon. Stop being so sensitive, though! Every time I tell you something you're doing wrong, you curl into a little ball and just annoy me more because it's all about you and how sorry you are, and how mad you are at yourself for messing up again. Just get over yourself. I know you said that you don't even have as much schoolwork as your other friends, but your grades are worse...stop introspecting for once. I'm saying this as a friend, because I care and want you to be the best you can.

This isn't the first time we've been through all of this, and considering that this seems to be a pattern in your life, I get a sick feeling in my gut when I think about it. What are you even doing wrong? Sometimes I can't even figure out where all this is coming from. Maybe it's just your personality (which I don't understand either, since you are an obnoxious idiot at times, and the stoic “silent type” at others). You silly thing!

I'm glad you were able to open up your heart to me the other day. Haha, I guess you could say that when I hear all your problems, I don't feel so bad about myself ;) Write me back soon!

Sincerely, your darling Shame

...to be continued.

The Beginning of Again

This is home.

The smell of Arnold, the view from Mac's, the cafeteria toaster bursting into flames, the familiarity of my favorite department, the pre-chapel chatter, running into that certain Latimer door when the magnet doesn't release in time, the flash of a smile from a professor that makes my day, knowing that dinner isn't great when the sub line is long, the daily “Hello!!” from Trudy, late night dorm conversations, snow days on the threat of flurries, textbooks that I want to keep for life, the delight of actually getting something in the mail after struggling to turn the combination, being Facebook friends and fellow church members with my professors, Woodlee fire drills because everyone loves popcorn, Ben Norquist's beard, our quirky “triangle” that is more similar to a tetracontagon, and the love here that draws and cultivates my life into who I was meant to be.

Don't mistake me. It's not that every experience is rosy and nostalgic, but rather that each circumstance presses me further into the congruence of what I know and how I live.

My eyes shine to read our Statement of Faith, which affirms that God created us in His image as related in the book of Genesis. The glory of letting the very Word of God speak for itself is beautiful to me. This commitment is infinitely sweet, and it brings me to rejoice in the truth of God's divine and personal act of creating us with intrinsic worth and value. I delight in the truth that we are taught, and that Bryan is known for. Yet that truth does not remain static.

Bryan is also known for the love here – institutional congruence that what we believe about the origin and nature of man calls us to treat others with dignity, honesty, appreciation, and gentle concern for their well-being. Search the Bible and find that again and again, loving God cannot be separated from loving people. It is the great meta-theme of God's anger at Israel for oppressing the people even while they worshiped at the Temple, of fasting but not feeding the hungry, of upholding the Law but burdening the people, of providing unblemished lambs but at an exploitative price, of rushing to the synagogue right past the man beaten by robbers and lying in a ditch.

Let Bryan College be utterly devoted to the knowledge and love of God, and from that, just as devoted to being the hands and feet of God's love for his people. Care tenderly! Manifest grace! Speak with integrity! Provide for your neighbor, which includes those that are as different from us as the Samaritans were the Jews. May it be that the truth of the significance of man is supported and not undermined by the actions of Bryan College.

I long and pray for this college that I love so dearly to uphold all that which sums up the Law and the Prophets: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself.

Laughing at Men

I have fallen into disrespecting those men in my life that I hold most dear. I laugh in their face, I doubt their words, I brush aside the qualities they possess, I paint their faults in caricature when the truth would make me look pathetic, and I rationalize away their maturity because they fall short of perfection.

I don't want to do this, of course. Yet I still make that volitional choice to disrespect them, especially when it serves my own purposes, but so it is with all sins. I stab a knife in their back because I am close enough to do so, but I wish all the while that I could step outside of this sinful self and view them with the eyes of grace – oh to see the world like the eyes of Jesus that gaze on me with love despite my numerous faults.

Why is it that I have such a difficult time respecting those men that are in my life? I won't make the mistake of saying that it's only an issue with guys my age or younger that I can “excuse” my disrespect by their lack of maturity. It extends to professors, brothers, uncles, and other men that are most certainly more mature than I. The conclusion then: It has absolutely nothing to do with their level of maturity, and entirely with mine.

Respect is given, not earned.

I must believe that every man and woman is worthy of my respect at the very core of his or her being. But with men it is all so much harder, and the Scriptures certainly attest to that! We idealize men in many ways, and expect them to give us certain things which simply are not theirs to give. It is not that they are always falling short of their intended purpose, for we assign them purposes that only God can satisfy. But, of course, we fail to recognize this (or take it to heart even if we “know” it) and so when we see a man that we really admired and he doesn't meet our hopes, we tear him down. It's not about “settling,” so much as realizing the true nature of humanity, ourselves included.

A man should have ideals, but he will not be ideal.

Respect also should be given during the times when a man doesn't meet any of his intended purposes. Drive this into your heart! Think of a man whom you are close to. Then understand that he was created with talents, callings, drives and the ability to relate to and hear God. Let that sink in. He was created for so much. Sin, unfortunately, barricades you, others, and even himself, from experiencing the true creation. All the hopes we built up come crashing down, and sometimes that is because we mistake what (or who) that man is intended for. Men can injure us in ways that women cannot (speaking from the viewpoint of a girl, because the opposite is true as well) and we should not deny the wrong, but acknowledge and forgive it. Seek to build up the men in your life, because they are far more than you realize.

Faults should be heartbreaking, not heart-hardening.

If they were not ultimately created for so much, faults would be less piercing. No one cares about an ugly painting thrown in the trash (especially if it is Aunt Louisa's favorite that you've been trying to get rid of for years), but with a beautiful masterpiece one hates to see even a drop of water mar its surface. This hope we have: God is leading our men quite as much as he is leading us. Rejoice in every work of God that you see in their lives, which has to be pretty intentional when God isn't leading them where you want them to go.

Please, please. Respect the men in your life and have confidence that God's will is being done through (and not in spite of) them, just as he is accomplishing his will through your life.

Splendor

Our culture is obsessed with finding “the right person,” and in Christian circles we are taught to not be “unequally yoked,” but rather to wait for a Godly person to marry. But the main concern of single young adults (or singles of any age) should not be to find a Godly person, but to be a Godly person. Readiness for marriage is not about knowing another person completely, but about earnestly humbling yourself by submitting to God's view of sin in marriage, marriage in love, and love in sin. We should know what unconditional love really means, but we should also accept that we cannot offer it on our own. Truly, it is only through the indescribable grace of God that we are able to love regardless of the good and bad aspects of someone's character and actions.

I think that we should marry someone only under deep consideration, but God did not give us the ability to foresee the future. Most of marriage will be compromised of issues that we didn't not expect, life and marriage changing circumstances that we are not equipped to handle, and problems we could not have ever anticipated. Just as we cannot deal with our own sin in our own strength, we cannot cultivate a God-glorifying marriage (which is the union of two very sinful people) without recognizing that no amount of our own effort and preparation will get us there. Thus, our understanding of what sin is, and how we deal with it, directly affects our marriage.

Love, by it's very nature, is a joyful commitment to one person that never falters, even in extreme situations such as the loss of mental capabilities, or paralysis. When we love the soul, the eternal being that God created, then we can truly delight in the personality and talents of the one we love, because it is no longer the justification of our love, but the splendor.

Shema

"Shema, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one!"

I am currently taking a class on how to creatively teaching the Bible, and this is one of the questions, followed by my answers. Many thanks to Daniel Katz for his Hebrew scholarship and discussion.

Q: The Hebrew word shema means both “to hear” and “to obey.” How often does your hearing of Scripture lead to an obeying of it? Why is there often a gap between the two?

     It seems that the Hebrew connotates more than just “hear” (which is rather passive in our language) and “obey.” You could almost say that it means “heed.” On the human side, it was used to plead with God in prayer, in effect, “Hear my plea, answer me, deliver me!” It is not simply hearing, or even responding (which carries no determinate of responding negatively or positively). So if we are to shema the Word, we must take it as a call to heed Him and his commandments, and it is far more personal than obeying a set of rules. It is someone pleading with us to hear and obey Him because of his great love, calling for us to soften our hearts to his Word.

     I would say that occasionally during a corporate setting of hearing the Scripture, such as chapel, I do not always that it father than just hearing the Word, and I think this is partially because there is not enough time to let the Word settle in before moving on. But I usually take what I read as a call to something. Oddly enough, I find that when I read the Scriptures aloud to myself, it gets inside me more than just reading silently. It brings the personhood of God to bear. But it is more than that too, it's something I can't put into words, it is communion, or correspondence. The Scripture itself is not one way, because the Word dwells in us, it manifests itself in us. And prayer is not an entirely separate exercise from reading the Scriptures, for the latter calls for us to engage in the first without ceasing.

     I think the gap between the two is perhaps actually rather simple to explain. We think of Scripture as a recorded sermon, rather than a conversation. We take in what Scripture is saying as if there is no one there, and response seems silly, like clapping for the speaker after listening to a podcast in your room, alone. But what if those same principles were told to you by someone that was flesh-and-blood standing in front of you? Only the most bitter or socially oblivious would find it acceptable to not respond at all. We do not shema the Scriptures when we forget that it is a personal and infinite God who is speaking to us.

“Shema, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” ~ Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Scarcity

In economics, the idea of scarcity is not the popular notion of “lacking something,” so much as it is an understanding that we are limited – Limited in natural resources, lifespan, mental energy, physical strength, hours in a day, location, etc. Scarcity is the intrinsic reality of humanity, even before the fall of man into sin and its implications. God did not command Adam to have dominion over the earth without also commanding him to be fruitful and multiply: Adam would not have had time for it all!

However, the nature of God does not include scarcity. We often pit God's justice against his mercy, implying that for God to be more just, he must be less merciful at that moment, and vice-versa. There have always been difficulties with grasping that Jesus was both fully man and fully God in the same instance. Yet he is! Or how can we fathom God's complete sovereignty and yet his ability to give us free choice? We cannot assign the human characteristic of scarcity (made scarcer by sin) to God and his ways.

Rejoice in his beauty! Seek to taste his glory until you feel the weight of it! Marvel in each of aspect of his infinity, and realize what it means to believe that God is infinite. When you feel the chastisement of God, do not forget that his kindness is no less expressed. When basking in his gentleness, forget not that he is also wholly just. He is far more than we think he is.

~ ~ ~

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9