Value in resting, or resting in value?

     Life is full of curiosities, adventures, heartbreaks, surprises. But somehow in the end, life can settle into a exhausting battle of day after day. I get tired of fighting against my harmful tendencies. I have ideals and dreams for the future, projects that I want to complete, characteristics that I desire to cultivate – yet nothing seems to really change, and that's why I give in.

     Yet I'm sitting here now in my living room, surrounded by a couple nephews, three napping dogs, three dear visiting sister-friends, my brother and his wife. It has been an exhausting two weeks of traveling, and at the moment I am not capable of exerting my will to change anything, and vacillating between wondering if I can ever live with purpose and surrender to God, and feeling that despite my weak nature God is remarkably kind and delights in me. This is the sort of rest I'm looking for.

     I work hard at doing what God delights in, whether it be schoolwork, relationships with friends and family or trying to create an environment of grace and beauty for those I love. But the hard work is not what makes me weary or disappointed in myself and despairing of lasting change. The lack of desire to serve God has an inverse relationship with being utterly confident that I have been placed exactly in time and history with my particular “selfness,” life experiences, vocation and relationship to others. I do not have to strive for my position with others or with God.

     Is God not transcendent? Is He not gentle? Is He not omnipotent? Is He not merciful? Is He not wise? It is only my own pride that sets up my actions as the determining factor of how much God delights in me, or how valuable I am to other people.

A great sermon to listen to is Tim Keller's “Blessed Self-Forgetfulness.”

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Unless the Lord builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Psalm 127:1-2

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30