Devotions of an Orphan: John 1:1

In the beginning was the Word,

In order to understand who we are in relationship to God, I first must understand who the Word is, and what relationship he has with God. Who is this God anyway? What is he like? What is his character? How does he relate to others? Although I know God from other passages and from 19 years of being his own child, I want to ask the question, what do I know of God from this passage?

First, I see that God has been from the beginning. Perhaps your earthly parent has asked for your obedience, claiming the wisdom of years you haven’t even lived yet. But here, in the first line, we see something incomprehensible. The Word has been there from the beginning. No one else has seen the joys, heartaches, injustices, mercies, and beauty of our humanity with this kind of scope.

and the Word was with God,

Have you ever looked up into a clear fall sky? The blue is unfathomable. Many times as a child, I strained my eyes and mind to grasp its depth. This line strikes me in such a way. The Word was with God. What could that even look like? Yet, in all the puzzle, I see that God is accessible.

Imagine these verses to be slightly different. In the beginning was the Word. In the beginning was also God.

How utterly different a picture that is! We wouldn’t know if the Word and God were warring deities, or passive neighbors in a spectral realm. Instead, we see that the Word and God are with each other from the beginning. Even in our modern terminology, we might say that Sally is “with” Harry, meaning that they are in some kind of intentional relationship.

From the beginning, God is someone to know and be known by.

and the Word was God.

I’m a bit speechless at this. The concept of the Trinity -- three persons, yet one God -- is in a higher plane of understanding than we currently can reach, I think. The Word is God. With no other knowledge of the Trinity from other passages, I would be inclined to think that maybe the Word is referring to the spoken word of God; the word must not be an entity, but an act of God. All this I would believe, if it were not for the next line...

He was in the beginning with God.

He was with God. The Word is God, but not a creation or vocalization of God. As I know I will find out later in the book of John, the Word is Christ, the person of Jesus. Not only that, but I was created to “be conformed to the image of Christ.” (Romans 8:29)

If the Word is with God, and I am created to be molded into the image of the Word, then it must mean that I am created to be with God as well.

God has seen the fullness of humanity. Our idiotic mistakes, our deepest longings, our scared insecurities, and he still created us to be with him.

That is the most loving Father I could imagine.

Devotions of an Orphan in Need of the Father

The parent questions always get me.

“Oh, so do your parents still live in Tennessee?”

“What does your dad do?”

“You like cooking! Do you ever cook with your mom at Thanksgiving?

Rather than feeling an emotional reminder in those moments, I am simply up against a choice. Do I skim over the issue in some clever sidestep, perhaps subtly insert “he was a pastor,” or take the boldest questions in hand by dropping the quiet line “both my parents are deceased” and continuing my thought before the other person can uncomfortably insert an “I’m sorry”?

Each choice feels awkward. Do I walk a path of evasion - in the process, losing a piece of identity - or do I drop a bomb into casual conversation?

Evasion is the hardest route in many ways, because I have to wipe my entire history aside. A childhood story might lead to a question about the present-day wherebeings of my mother. The triumph of a college graduation inevitably leads to the statement “your parents must be so proud!” Then, I also wonder, does my lack of mention of my parents lead some to wonder if I was close to them at all?

The obvious solution might be to simply tell those you interact with often the truth. And I do. But the barrier still exists, because instead of ignorance, I get sad looks when I mention either of them. Is my life tainted forever by the confusion, embarrassment, and discomfort of others regarding my whole life up to present moment?

There a good many kind-hearted people who seem to think I need parenting. I actually have a lot of wonderful older siblings that give me solid advice and a husband that takes care of me and guides me. He and I are our own family now, and I don’t feel the need to make up for lost years of childhood.

The real need is identity. I want people to know how incredible both my parents were, because it has shaped my personhood so much. Of course, as a married woman, I am now also given identity through my husband, from a new last name to the fact that we like to play disc golf together. I am actively shaped and identified by and through him - and this is a great satisfaction of my life, and a source of endless comfort in this weary world.

Still, I come back to this sometimes desperate plea for identity. My plea for an “origin story.”

My flesh-and-blood parents will always be important to me, but my longing goes beyond that. It goes back to the need for unshakeable history, identity and belongingness.

I know I can only find this in the Father - real answers to how I ended up here, my sense of personhood, and my familial history. The only problem is, to be honest, I don’t know my Father as well as I need to. I need greater knowledge of him, and more relational closeness and trust.

As I heard in a sermon today, we are all spiritual orphans without adoption into the family of God.

So as one former orphan to another, I invite you to join my study of the Father as I carefully read through the gospel of John, discovering the relationship and identity that God freely gives us in His merciful goodness.

Note: I hope to post a short devotional exposition on a few verses of John each week, so keep an eye out for new posts if you are interested.

Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday to fantastic dates with my favorite Ginger.

Throwback to watching soccer matches, to sunny moments, to contentment even on sick days, and to endearing times together in the cafeteria.

Throwback to dressing up super fancy and going to arrestingly beautiful concerts together.

Throwback to becoming a true Vols fan out in the chilly weather.

Throwback to being goofy ALL the time.

Throwback to a fabulous fall with hilarious pumpkins and much happiness.

Throwback to my first of many New Years with my favorite man.

Throwback to this amazing man pledging his life to me.

Throwback to exquisite happiness with my new fiance.

Fast forward to being old and grey with my beloved.

Thanks for viewing!

Bloodthirsty for Justice

Well, my friends, here I am again. It's been a crazy few months, what with finishing up a semester of school, helping marry off my best friend and roommate Megan Noel Hoover, nee Collins, and moving to a new city for the summer and starting my work/internship.

Strange. I've learned over the years that God brings times of intense spiritual growth, and times that are wintery and seemingly pointless and deadening. Before the uproar at Bryan began, every day I woke to a new understanding of and love for God. But along with many other students, I was shaken by the events that transpired, and while it was also a good reminder of the “death to self” lesson I had pondered earlier in the semester, it was not a pleasant time. Added to that mental constraint was the knowledge of becoming an RA this next year, and the increase in wisdom and discernment I'd need to guide 40ish girls (along with my absolutely wonderful co-RA, Kristin Hall), as well as be an example of forgiveness and patience to everyone else on campus.

Yet there is no doubt, there cannot be, that God has been so good to me during all of this. I've always been one to fight for justice, and I believe God often calls us to take up that battle fiercely at times (I think of William Wilberforce, particularly; his story has always been very convicting and inspiring to me). But also realizing that in the end, God is the only one who can bring justice. It not simply a matter of “letting God be the avenger,” as if it's a privilege we bestow on him. No indeed!

Let me repeat: God is the only one who can bring justice.

Perhaps it gets lost in the shuffle of extremes, but God's justice is ultimately for the sake of redemption and healing. And yet justice is blood-thirsty; quenchable only by the blood of Christ. Read through Isaiah in one sitting if that is lost on you. 

Our justice also varies with God's in that God is just to all. The aggressor and the victim, the broken and the proud, the complacent and the combative. God's justice applies to all, and so His love is extended to all. Also, the preceding categories are never so clear-cut, and often, neither alternative is without fault. Only God searches the innermost being of a man. Only God knows what will bring complete redemption.

There are so many areas in my life that need God's justice to be brought. Right now I'm waiting, praying, and seeking to clothe myself as Paul describes in Eph 6:10-20, to be ready to do anything at the word of God.

~ ~ ~

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”

Where Lieth Peace?

He said, "I will forget the dying faces; 

The empty places—
They shall be filled again;
O voices mourning deep within me, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir my spirit to flame;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit; I am defeated;
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings; why will ye not cease?"
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace.

~Amy Carmichael

*Many thanks to my friend Ashley Bieger for originally sharing this on facebook.

Unnamed

Knowing; bright; kind. Past; present; future. Brown; green; blue. Under; at; over. Hungry; filled; abundant. Familiar; ideal; new. Back and back; back and forth; forth and forth.

Triads have been running through my head.

The heart of intimacy

My last post on shame was a bit of collaboration of different struggles that I have observed friends and others going through. I hope to post the follow-up “reply” letter soon, but after this week, I decided to write about something personal first.

I don't desire relationship (whether romantic or otherwise) because I want to fulfill my needs surrounding security, loneliness, self-discipline, spiritual maturity, spiritual status, direction and goals in life, or who I am. I desire relationship because I have intellect, emotion, wisdom and a love for adventure that I want to share, and because I see in someone else intellect, emotion, wisdom and a love for adventure that I want to learn from and partake in together.

Have you ever noticed that people often only stop to engage in real conversation when something is wrong with you? People are often only interested when there is a challenge to be overcome. So, in the end, does the challenge or the actual person take precedence?

I get frustrated with both guys and girls that fall “in love” (what a desecration of the word love!) because the other person is “hard to get.” Love isn't a game. Fault me for being too wholehearted, but when someone offers love willingly and freely, don't scorn it...the real excitement and fervor has just begun.

But I understand. If all you think of in a relationship is the romance or vulnerability, then once you have mastered it, the fun is over. But relationships are so much more than that!

Relationship is partnership: Men and women were not created to get married for sex, for mere companionship, or even for starting a family. No! They were made to go together because they had something to accomplish through marriage, a task of caring for the world together, of getting married not just because they loved each other, but also because they loved the people around them.

Marriage is ultimately public in its purpose – and listen why! I went to a spoken word/guitar event last night, and on the way home, some girls had a conversation that went like this:

“I love to draw, but wish that I was talented at spoken word.”

“But you are so good at drawing!”

“I know, but I can't really share it with people, unless it's a museum or something.”

“Oh, so you just want people to know how awesome you are?!”

“No, it's just that art seems to mean something more when it's shared, when you can bless others with it.”

Is it not the same with marriage (or friendship)? It loses sweetness when it is not focused around the deepest desire to work alongside one another as a display of art and harmony, to change this world and the next.

Relationship is intimacy: The saddest reality is that it is often easier to love a stranger than a close friend, easier to communicate with a love interest than a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think fear holds us back a lot in this regard, because we don't take risks when we have something to lose.

But if we fear losing intimacy, it's already lost.

Relationship is entrepreneurship: It's more than just getting to know the other person. The act of speaking does more than define – it creates; the naming of a relationship does more than identify – it alters; love does more than explore – it invents.

Love should be like standing on the precipice of a mountain, with the wind in your face, thrilled and enlivened by the thought of reaching the distant ridge with footsteps that have never fallen because only you can take them, in ways that not even dreams have known.

Relationship is convicting: When you meet someone that has entered into God far more than yourself, that seems more alive to the world than you, that loves more and more deeply, it is heartstoppingly convicting. There is nothing more humbling than to accept when someone truly loves you.

To be amazed, blessed, and convicted by relationship with a person is to love and be loved.

Sincerely, your darling Shame

My dearest friend,

How are you doing? Last I saw you, you made some comments about being discouraged, run-down, and ready to give up. Well, that's unfortunate, because really, your troubles are pretty insignificant compared to others I hear from. I don't want to give offense, but let's be honest, you are so needy! When we had lunch together a few weeks ago, you mentioned that you've been bringing all your problems to God and discussing them with him too. Why are you making such a big deal out of everything? If you just didn't take things so seriously, you'd be a lot less clingy.

Aren't you glad to have a friend like me that you can count on? Most other people would have given up since you are always putting others down and saying that you don't care what they think of you (in some ridiculous attempt to be independent, I guess?). I know that secretly you can't live without others thinking you're intelligent, hard-working and have uncomplicated relationships. But life is like that, and you just have to make a choice to either push others away, or be super demanding of attention. If you can't decide on one or the other, just try to balance them out.

You asked me to help you figure out who you are...I guess you want to know how people perceive you, what your place in this world is, and what it is that you are really good at. I'm not even going to bother answering those questions, though. I know that you've asked a lot of people before, and no matter how flattering their answers are, you're never satisfied! Why can't you just decide who you are and go with it? I'll admit that I'm getting tired of your inconsistency.

So your grades aren't doing too well? I could have guessed that. You don't exactly have self-discipline, hon. Stop being so sensitive, though! Every time I tell you something you're doing wrong, you curl into a little ball and just annoy me more because it's all about you and how sorry you are, and how mad you are at yourself for messing up again. Just get over yourself. I know you said that you don't even have as much schoolwork as your other friends, but your grades are worse...stop introspecting for once. I'm saying this as a friend, because I care and want you to be the best you can.

This isn't the first time we've been through all of this, and considering that this seems to be a pattern in your life, I get a sick feeling in my gut when I think about it. What are you even doing wrong? Sometimes I can't even figure out where all this is coming from. Maybe it's just your personality (which I don't understand either, since you are an obnoxious idiot at times, and the stoic “silent type” at others). You silly thing!

I'm glad you were able to open up your heart to me the other day. Haha, I guess you could say that when I hear all your problems, I don't feel so bad about myself ;) Write me back soon!

Sincerely, your darling Shame

...to be continued.

The Beginning of Again

This is home.

The smell of Arnold, the view from Mac's, the cafeteria toaster bursting into flames, the familiarity of my favorite department, the pre-chapel chatter, running into that certain Latimer door when the magnet doesn't release in time, the flash of a smile from a professor that makes my day, knowing that dinner isn't great when the sub line is long, the daily “Hello!!” from Trudy, late night dorm conversations, snow days on the threat of flurries, textbooks that I want to keep for life, the delight of actually getting something in the mail after struggling to turn the combination, being Facebook friends and fellow church members with my professors, Woodlee fire drills because everyone loves popcorn, Ben Norquist's beard, our quirky “triangle” that is more similar to a tetracontagon, and the love here that draws and cultivates my life into who I was meant to be.

Don't mistake me. It's not that every experience is rosy and nostalgic, but rather that each circumstance presses me further into the congruence of what I know and how I live.

My eyes shine to read our Statement of Faith, which affirms that God created us in His image as related in the book of Genesis. The glory of letting the very Word of God speak for itself is beautiful to me. This commitment is infinitely sweet, and it brings me to rejoice in the truth of God's divine and personal act of creating us with intrinsic worth and value. I delight in the truth that we are taught, and that Bryan is known for. Yet that truth does not remain static.

Bryan is also known for the love here – institutional congruence that what we believe about the origin and nature of man calls us to treat others with dignity, honesty, appreciation, and gentle concern for their well-being. Search the Bible and find that again and again, loving God cannot be separated from loving people. It is the great meta-theme of God's anger at Israel for oppressing the people even while they worshiped at the Temple, of fasting but not feeding the hungry, of upholding the Law but burdening the people, of providing unblemished lambs but at an exploitative price, of rushing to the synagogue right past the man beaten by robbers and lying in a ditch.

Let Bryan College be utterly devoted to the knowledge and love of God, and from that, just as devoted to being the hands and feet of God's love for his people. Care tenderly! Manifest grace! Speak with integrity! Provide for your neighbor, which includes those that are as different from us as the Samaritans were the Jews. May it be that the truth of the significance of man is supported and not undermined by the actions of Bryan College.

I long and pray for this college that I love so dearly to uphold all that which sums up the Law and the Prophets: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself.

Laughing at Men

I have fallen into disrespecting those men in my life that I hold most dear. I laugh in their face, I doubt their words, I brush aside the qualities they possess, I paint their faults in caricature when the truth would make me look pathetic, and I rationalize away their maturity because they fall short of perfection.

I don't want to do this, of course. Yet I still make that volitional choice to disrespect them, especially when it serves my own purposes, but so it is with all sins. I stab a knife in their back because I am close enough to do so, but I wish all the while that I could step outside of this sinful self and view them with the eyes of grace – oh to see the world like the eyes of Jesus that gaze on me with love despite my numerous faults.

Why is it that I have such a difficult time respecting those men that are in my life? I won't make the mistake of saying that it's only an issue with guys my age or younger that I can “excuse” my disrespect by their lack of maturity. It extends to professors, brothers, uncles, and other men that are most certainly more mature than I. The conclusion then: It has absolutely nothing to do with their level of maturity, and entirely with mine.

Respect is given, not earned.

I must believe that every man and woman is worthy of my respect at the very core of his or her being. But with men it is all so much harder, and the Scriptures certainly attest to that! We idealize men in many ways, and expect them to give us certain things which simply are not theirs to give. It is not that they are always falling short of their intended purpose, for we assign them purposes that only God can satisfy. But, of course, we fail to recognize this (or take it to heart even if we “know” it) and so when we see a man that we really admired and he doesn't meet our hopes, we tear him down. It's not about “settling,” so much as realizing the true nature of humanity, ourselves included.

A man should have ideals, but he will not be ideal.

Respect also should be given during the times when a man doesn't meet any of his intended purposes. Drive this into your heart! Think of a man whom you are close to. Then understand that he was created with talents, callings, drives and the ability to relate to and hear God. Let that sink in. He was created for so much. Sin, unfortunately, barricades you, others, and even himself, from experiencing the true creation. All the hopes we built up come crashing down, and sometimes that is because we mistake what (or who) that man is intended for. Men can injure us in ways that women cannot (speaking from the viewpoint of a girl, because the opposite is true as well) and we should not deny the wrong, but acknowledge and forgive it. Seek to build up the men in your life, because they are far more than you realize.

Faults should be heartbreaking, not heart-hardening.

If they were not ultimately created for so much, faults would be less piercing. No one cares about an ugly painting thrown in the trash (especially if it is Aunt Louisa's favorite that you've been trying to get rid of for years), but with a beautiful masterpiece one hates to see even a drop of water mar its surface. This hope we have: God is leading our men quite as much as he is leading us. Rejoice in every work of God that you see in their lives, which has to be pretty intentional when God isn't leading them where you want them to go.

Please, please. Respect the men in your life and have confidence that God's will is being done through (and not in spite of) them, just as he is accomplishing his will through your life.

Splendor

Our culture is obsessed with finding “the right person,” and in Christian circles we are taught to not be “unequally yoked,” but rather to wait for a Godly person to marry. But the main concern of single young adults (or singles of any age) should not be to find a Godly person, but to be a Godly person. Readiness for marriage is not about knowing another person completely, but about earnestly humbling yourself by submitting to God's view of sin in marriage, marriage in love, and love in sin. We should know what unconditional love really means, but we should also accept that we cannot offer it on our own. Truly, it is only through the indescribable grace of God that we are able to love regardless of the good and bad aspects of someone's character and actions.

I think that we should marry someone only under deep consideration, but God did not give us the ability to foresee the future. Most of marriage will be compromised of issues that we didn't not expect, life and marriage changing circumstances that we are not equipped to handle, and problems we could not have ever anticipated. Just as we cannot deal with our own sin in our own strength, we cannot cultivate a God-glorifying marriage (which is the union of two very sinful people) without recognizing that no amount of our own effort and preparation will get us there. Thus, our understanding of what sin is, and how we deal with it, directly affects our marriage.

Love, by it's very nature, is a joyful commitment to one person that never falters, even in extreme situations such as the loss of mental capabilities, or paralysis. When we love the soul, the eternal being that God created, then we can truly delight in the personality and talents of the one we love, because it is no longer the justification of our love, but the splendor.

Shema

"Shema, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one!"

I am currently taking a class on how to creatively teaching the Bible, and this is one of the questions, followed by my answers. Many thanks to Daniel Katz for his Hebrew scholarship and discussion.

Q: The Hebrew word shema means both “to hear” and “to obey.” How often does your hearing of Scripture lead to an obeying of it? Why is there often a gap between the two?

     It seems that the Hebrew connotates more than just “hear” (which is rather passive in our language) and “obey.” You could almost say that it means “heed.” On the human side, it was used to plead with God in prayer, in effect, “Hear my plea, answer me, deliver me!” It is not simply hearing, or even responding (which carries no determinate of responding negatively or positively). So if we are to shema the Word, we must take it as a call to heed Him and his commandments, and it is far more personal than obeying a set of rules. It is someone pleading with us to hear and obey Him because of his great love, calling for us to soften our hearts to his Word.

     I would say that occasionally during a corporate setting of hearing the Scripture, such as chapel, I do not always that it father than just hearing the Word, and I think this is partially because there is not enough time to let the Word settle in before moving on. But I usually take what I read as a call to something. Oddly enough, I find that when I read the Scriptures aloud to myself, it gets inside me more than just reading silently. It brings the personhood of God to bear. But it is more than that too, it's something I can't put into words, it is communion, or correspondence. The Scripture itself is not one way, because the Word dwells in us, it manifests itself in us. And prayer is not an entirely separate exercise from reading the Scriptures, for the latter calls for us to engage in the first without ceasing.

     I think the gap between the two is perhaps actually rather simple to explain. We think of Scripture as a recorded sermon, rather than a conversation. We take in what Scripture is saying as if there is no one there, and response seems silly, like clapping for the speaker after listening to a podcast in your room, alone. But what if those same principles were told to you by someone that was flesh-and-blood standing in front of you? Only the most bitter or socially oblivious would find it acceptable to not respond at all. We do not shema the Scriptures when we forget that it is a personal and infinite God who is speaking to us.

“Shema, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” ~ Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Scarcity

In economics, the idea of scarcity is not the popular notion of “lacking something,” so much as it is an understanding that we are limited – Limited in natural resources, lifespan, mental energy, physical strength, hours in a day, location, etc. Scarcity is the intrinsic reality of humanity, even before the fall of man into sin and its implications. God did not command Adam to have dominion over the earth without also commanding him to be fruitful and multiply: Adam would not have had time for it all!

However, the nature of God does not include scarcity. We often pit God's justice against his mercy, implying that for God to be more just, he must be less merciful at that moment, and vice-versa. There have always been difficulties with grasping that Jesus was both fully man and fully God in the same instance. Yet he is! Or how can we fathom God's complete sovereignty and yet his ability to give us free choice? We cannot assign the human characteristic of scarcity (made scarcer by sin) to God and his ways.

Rejoice in his beauty! Seek to taste his glory until you feel the weight of it! Marvel in each of aspect of his infinity, and realize what it means to believe that God is infinite. When you feel the chastisement of God, do not forget that his kindness is no less expressed. When basking in his gentleness, forget not that he is also wholly just. He is far more than we think he is.

~ ~ ~

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

We do not know what is Wrong, because we do not know what is Right.

From a reading done in preparation for a weekend retreat:

"She longs for spiritual hygiene itself - and not just as a consolation prize when she cannot be rich and envied instead. She longs for other human beings: she wants to love them and to be loved by them. She hungers for social justice. She longs for nature, for its beauties and graces, for the sheer particularity of a squirrel with a nut. As we might expect, her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she longs to long again.

"She is a person of character consistency, a person who rings true wherever you tap her. She keeps promises. She weeps with those who weep and, perhaps more impressively, rejoices with those who rejoice. She does all these things in ways that express her own personality and culture but also a general "mind of Christ" that is cross-culturally unmistakable.

"Her motives include faith - a quiet confidence in God and in the mercies of God that radiate from the self-giving work of Jesus Christ. She knows God is good; she also feels assured that God is good to her. Her faith secures her against the ceaseless oscillations of pride and despair familiar to every human being who has taken refuge in the cave of her own being and tried there to bury all her insecurities under a mound of achievements. When her faith slips, she retains faith enough to believe that the Spirit of God, whose presence is her renewable resource, will one day secure her faith again."

~ Plantinga, Not the Way It's Supposed to Be; a breviary of sin.

The Silence

     Love is not about personal fulfillment, but about giving your life for another, dying to self for another. This I know, but I have recently come to a greater appreciation and understanding of God's love for us. Strangely enough, I have rarely doubted God's kindness even in the midst of dark times. But I did not understand until now how it is that God lets us suffer not because he is powerless or wants us to “choose to love him” or even that he redeems all things, but because he loves us. He sees what we cannot, and allows us to feel what we would never wish upon ourselves, because it will bring about some necessary change in our pattern of thinking. We must not mistake his love, for it must pierce him to see how we suffer, and yet fill him with joyous hope for our coming maturity and understanding. May God give us all strength to emulate him in our own love. The amazing thing is that God does this not because he thinks less of us – no, no! He loves in this fashion because he delights in our personhood and in the individual talents which he longs to bring forth in us (all the more for his unconditional love that gives us dignity whether or not we are using those talents).

     How my heart is called out when I see that God's love is selfless, not just in giving up his son, but in that he is willing for us to despise him for our circumstances, just so that our ultimate good is achieved. I have never dwelt on God's love being selfless, not just sacrificial. Our purpose in life is to bring him glory, how can he be selfless? But he is!

     The Bible declares, “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” What I have always found surprising about God is that even though he loves us unconditionally, he requires one thing for us to know him, and that is to accept his love, via Christ's death and resurrection. He is not forceful or manipulative, but lets us go in silence, all the while giving us every proof of his love. My friends, accept the love of God. Yes, he puts difficult situations in our life, but it is so that we can be truly loved!

     I know that I frequently reference the words and music of Jon Foreman, but it is with good reason. His words are no less stirring than his music, which in my opinion, is a high standard indeed. He sings "the song that's inside of my soul" over and over again, and while not his direct original intention, this song is a wonderful human reflection of God's love. Jon Foreman's commentary following the lyrics remind me also that God is not out to consume us for his own benefit, rather to show that love is not about personal fulfillment, but about giving your life for another, dying to self for another. God is the ultimate fulfillment that will never be far from us, who is waiting for us to turn to him, and this weighty silence will be shattered in his grand symphony when we choose to no longer be alone.

Enough To Let Me Go

Oh
I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home
alone
All I know
I still got mountains to climb
on my own
on my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
to let me follow through
to let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?
Back from the dead of winter
back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
you’re so beautiful, tonight

back from the dead we went through
back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
you look beautiful tonight
but every seed dies before it grows

breathe it in
and let it go
every breath you take is not your to own
it's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

     I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried. 

     In our barcode media, love is often portrayed as consumption. As consumers in a commercial driven culture we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. "Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair." But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It's a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? "I can't live without you"- "I would die if you ever left me"- These are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption.

~ Jon Foreman

Four Letter Word

     Love, by definition, cannot say “I love you, because...” unless it is followed by “you are a creation of God.” Any other statement would be internally inconsistent. Love for a person is solely unconditional, and cannot be retracted or extended because of that person's weaknesses, or much the harder, because of his strengths. For of course we love kindness and mercy and gentleness, but that is love for those characteristics, not love for the person himself. Again, love, by definition, is also a statement of action; we love someone by actively pursuing what is best for him. Thus, our actions ought to be the lover, and not what is beloved; expressions of love, not reasons for love; desire to love, not desire for love.

     In this selfless state, love is free of expectation, but full of hope. Love gives without boundaries, for it has no quantifier that can be attached to limit its depth, nor qualifier to dampen its spirits. Love acts and speaks without shame or fear of rejection, not by virtue of its strength, but by virtue of its transcendence. Love is not discrete, it cannot be counted or measured or spoken of in degrees. So when our love is weak in action, we do not love less, provided that our actions are still truly unconditional and disinterested. How great the bond which springs from this love, for the beloved ceases to strive and long for affection by struggling to appear worthy of love; instead, the beloved is known deeply and still fears not.

     I do not feel worthy of love, and yet I recognize that I have been declared worthy twice, first by the natural birth which signifies that God made me in His image, and then by the spiritual birth, attainable through the love action of Christ's death, which restored me once again to my Creator. The marvelous trait of love is that it fills the beloved with itself, and the beloved is humbly brought to love in the very same fashion, pouring back into the lover, but also into persons that are as discouraged and empty as the beloved once was.

Now, let it be known, I am loved and filled with love, for God is Love.

work work work work work work work work work work work work work work

     Work is a surprisingly divisive subject, and most views are incredibly destructive, including the common “Christian” dichotomy. How pitiful that we short-list God into the truly

valuable callings, which we have named “Full-time Christian Ministry.” There is no such differentiation! If there is, then at all costs avoid being a pastor or missionary, since people are driven away from the gospel by their ignorance of beauty, lack of transparency, disregard for those with other vocations, and the sad truth that many PKs and MKs fall into sterility and diffidence, if not worse. No, all vocations are a calling, and are inherently gospel-centered if conducted in view of our complete restoration from the fall.

     Fine, then. All vocations are equally important. But doesn't that merely form an excuse not to share the gospel outright?!

Three points come to mind:

1. We talk about sharing the gospel, which then leads people to be saved from future separation from Christ, and for them in turn to do the same (Everyone, reach one!). So the gospel is reduced to a chain letter instead of LIFE, the ability to be fully human again, to delight in God and His creation because of the death of Christ.
2. People do not arbitrarily come to the gospel. We speak and write and proclaim the “God sized hole in everyone's heart,” but it doesn't mean that when people hear the good news they simply say “Yes! This is what I have been looking for all my life!” Why should the death of a man 2000 years ago – simply carrying the promise of a future spent with a God we do not know or care about – matter to anyone? Our modern experience fools us into thinking that “knowing” can be separated from “knowing experientially.” If we want people to know God it must be made manifest to them through our lives, the natural continuation of Jesus' manifestation.
3. I have found that those who are the most likely to speak of the importance of explicitly “sharing the Gospel,” are the very same whose lives I cry over. Moreover, they stress the gospel by saying “I seem to be ashamed of Christ, I ought to share the gospel more.” Is your initiative for the gospel because you feel guilty and ashamed of your lack of desire to serve God?

     There is so much more to be said about particular callings! Each person can interact with his or her vocation so that individual talents and passions are brought to bear. Life is so much richer and fuller when you see the extraordinary opportunities we are given for helping people understand the entirety of the gospel, at work, in your home, alongside your spouse, or with your kids, to name a few!

~ ~ ~

     Other people tolerate their job as a necessary nuisance, a way of earning a living, and a tedious consequence of the Fall. [. . .] This second attitude to work, which regards it as either meaningless in itself, or at best a necessary means to some quite different end (e.g., facilitating leisure pursuits), is the same in principle as the view held by some Christians that work is a useful sphere of witness. To be sure, the Christian should be a witness to Christ in every situation, but it is very inadequate to see the workplace as having no Christian significance in itself, but only as a well-stocked lake to fish in (pp. 16).

~ John Stott, Our Social and Sexual Revolution. 

     First, work is intended for the fulfillment of the worker. That is, as important part of our self-fulfillment as human beings is to be found, according to God's purpose, in our work. We can affirm this with confidence in view of the very first instruction which God addressed to man and woman: 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it' (Genesis 1:28). Here are three successive commands, each leading logically to the next. They could not subdue the earth without first filling it, and they could not fill it without first reproducing themselves. This original and composite commandment expresses, then, a basic aspect of our vocation as human beings. Our dominion over nature is due to our likeness to God. Or, to express the same truth in different terms, our potential for creative work is an essential part of our Godlikeness. Our Creator made us creative creatures (pp. 17).

~ John Stott, Our Social and Sexual Revolution. 

     Human beings are very unbalanced and prone to go off on tangents. In every area of life - with too great emphasis on one thing, leaving out another important thing altogether. None of us will ever be perfectly balanced in our spiritual lives, our intellectual lives, our emotional lives, our family lives, in relationships with other human beings, or in our business lives. BUT WE ARE CHALLENGED TO TRY, WITH THE HELP OF GOD. We are meant to live in the scriptures.
~ Edith Schaeffer, What is a Family

     It is true that all men are created in the image of God, but Christians are supposed to be conscious of that fact, and being conscious of it should recognize the importance of living artistically, aesthetically, and creatively, as creative creatures of the Creator. If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry, and be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been created for us.

~ Edith Schaeffer, The Hidden Art of Homemaking 

Life is a box of regrets, you never know what you'll get

     My life used to be consumed with regret, a cycle of blindness and disillusionment. Then winter break of 2012 came about and on the most ordinary of days I was speaking with my brother Ryan about the purpose of prayer, when much of what my last post was about came to bear, that each of us is set in a particular moment in history, that prayer is effective, how God optimizes the course of time and events to draw us to him. I cannot describe how my life flashed before me, and the retroactive immediacy of my new acknowledgment of God's redemption. Were regret to have a manifest form, in that moment, I should have seen it disintegrate on the floor. Many of my own mistakes since that time have caused me to have feelings of regret, but never have they again made me lose sight of God's loving-kindness and mastery over my situation.

     However, I recently have come to something new in the way of regret. I am ashamed of some of my own actions, incredulous of my attempts to put things to rights, and frustrated with my blind foolishness that has caused me to hurt others despite trying to seek after God's will. I have repented of much, and still regret nothing, in the sense that I see how God is working in all things. Yet the question which arises now is, with what spirit do I approach the consequences of my actions and selfishness? What do we do with situations that seem irrecoverable, especially when we are not sure we want to recover them? I hold two truths in my mind. One is that sinful trends in culture teach us to give up so readily when life seems unpleasant. The other is that sinful trends in culture teach us to hold on to that which is harmful as long as it gives us any satisfaction.

     But two other truths also intrude into my tainted mind. Acting in love is always the right course of action, which sometimes means holding on, sometimes letting go, and sometimes pursuing hotly that which did not seem possible before. The absolute confidence which we should have in God and His redemption should give us a clean slate, as we forgive others as we (finally acknowledge) have also been forgiven.

     I believe that God has made it possible for us to find life again, that He Himself repairs our mistakes, if we are willing to let go of our pride and accept His plan of restoration, so freely given at extraordinary expense to Himself.

~ ~ ~

     As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Eph 2:1-10

Equally Skilled

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
Nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands are equally skilled
At doing evil, equally skilled
At bribing the judges, equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies arrive
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands are equally skilled
At doing evil, equally skilled
At bribing the judges, equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of their hands
Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
Though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and the justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
Are equally skilled
At ruining evil, equally skilled
At judging the judges, equally skilled
Administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands
Are equally skilled
At showing me mercy, equally skilled
At loving the loveless, equally skilled
Administering justice
Both of His hands
Both of His hands

~ Jon Foreman